SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, thanks for keeping this thread alive. I've been busy on my end with lawyering up, taking care of my kids (and myself), and trying to get some work done. I'll try to respond to some things here, since you've all been so kind:

@Letmebefrank: About the kids, I'm all about telling them the truth. Mom found a new boyfriend.

@Bigger: Totally agree that she's chosen not to do the work to break contact with her AP AND the killer part to me is that she knows how much that pains me. Like, she apologizes when she sees me in the depths of it (regardless of how cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent I try to be, sometimes we slip up), but she won't engage with the fact that she's continuing to abuse me by maintaining contact.

Also, FWIW, everything we have is legally joint property at this point.

@DRSOOLERS: I think what you're saying is that NC with the AP should be offered, not demanded, and I wholeheartedly agree.

@NukeZombie: Yes, my wife knows what's coming wrt the kids. They will be heartbroken to learn of our separation, and they will quickly understand the 'why', as I have no intention of lying to them. It definitely breaks her to be the villain, but her identity as a hot-shot, up-and-coming, steward of a cutting-edge biotech startup values more to her. Her ambition outweighs anything else right now, damn the consequences. #HappyToBeGettingOut

And FWIW, although me and the kids are American citizens, we have a great life here, and I'm committed to staying put till they reach maturity.

@Bigger: I have no doubt that she's discussed the impending divorce with her co-founder AP. And I appreciate your likening this to an amputation. As my first (and hopefully only) divorce, I'm figuring this out on the fly.

@Butforthegrace: Truly excellent summary up to now. And also very astute observations. Yes, both wife and AP have known each other for some time and both are high achievers professionally with nice CVs and any number of accomplishments. He's the idea guy with the patents, she's the one turning this into a company. (FWIW, there's a third, more minor co-founder in this venture.) Though you're probably right that my wife was feening, I refuse to play the game of "I should have known". Next time I'll do more diligence though...

So yes, she's been lying profusely for some time. And there's no doubt those lies continue. Maybe I'm naive though, but I doubt she's managed to shelter/shield herself from financial fallout yet. She seems to be an emotional wreck but who knows really. Monday I have a call scheduled with the legal team, and we'll see what they have to say.

And, though her tech is interesting enough, I'd bet that the yacht in Monaco is as likely as me, I dunno, winning the World Cup and marrying into Spanish royalty.

Excellent responses thus far.

My ExWW also prioritized our marriage below her career, enabling friends, and reputation, respectively. I tried to be accommodating, but her unwillingness to make the necessary, and even the not so necessary sacrifices, ultimately killed our "reconciliation". Trust rebuilding requires action-especially proaction, and can’t just be reactive, or worse, minimalistic. It takes an impressive show of remorse and determination to eclipse the profound trauma of betrayal and loss of trust.

If she doesn’t intuitively understand this, she’s not empathizing with you. If she’s unwilling to do this, she doesn’t have the requisite motivation to move those mountains and endure and nurture reconciliation. Empathy and proper motivation are fundamental to an authentic reconciliation.

If her career and ambitions were so important to her, she wouldn’t have jeopardized all that with an affair unless…she was willing to take that risk counting on you to acquiesce, or willing to jettison the marriage if you would not.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:20 PM, Friday, August 14th]

Though you're probably right that my wife was feening, I refuse to play the game of "I should have known". wink Next time I'll do more diligence though...

I am romantic enough at heart to believe that if one's heart guides one to decide to marry, at that point it's okay to let one's guard down. Exhale.

The reality is that each of us changes and morphs over time. Couples who remain faithfully married recognize this and cyclically reinvest in and reinvent the marriage.

Here, your WW allowed a critical mass of her emotional energy to be directed away from the marriage and into the startup and, by connection, her co-founder. That's a slippery slope for the reasons that you now know. Still, there's nothing to be gained by flagellating yourself with a "shoulda/woulda/coulda" line of thought. She made shyte choices. Whether that was because she's a shyte human at heart, or a good wife who simply lost her way, is irrelevant.

I don't think you need to change your diligence with respect to a next partner assuming there is one. Your WW chose "not you" and "not this marriage" because that's what she wanted to choose, and she did it secretly behind your back without being man enough to walk away because she wanted to. Millions of people remain faithfully married, with highly immersive careers, and never make those choices.

When that happened to me, the adage I guided myself with was: "Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, shame on me." After our divorce, my WW was in my life for about another 10 years because we were co-parenting her son, who was functionally my stepson (I never legally adopted him). At some point after I had spent a couple of years sowing my wild oats in a rather huge way, she began to hint at the idea of us giving it another go. "I'd never give somebody a chance to do that to me twice."

Your wife isn’t just choosing him and her career now. She chose them for 9 months without you knowing. She betrayed you and the kids for 9 months with no remorse. When I caught my wife she immediately went into family and marriage saving mode. She went no contact the next day and immediately quit the job where they met otherwise we’d be divorced right now. Not the same as your wife being CEO I guess but the point is it’s up to your wife to show you she is worthy of reconciliation and from what you’ve described she just isn’t. Sorry you are here.