SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t think you should make leaving the job a requirement.

I’m sorry Bigger but with all due respect the OP’s wife and the AP are co-founders, if I’ve understood correctly, and my guess is you have not been in that world, and don’t understand how co-founders must interact CONSTANTLY. They are pre-revenue. This is not a multi-thousand employee situation here. I’m sorry, but this advice is ill-serving to the OP. NC is simply not possible between them in this situation. Or are you saying NC isn’t really all that bog of a deal?

Same result of the OM leaves.

Same result of the OM leaves.

If what you’re saying is that at least ONE of them must leave, then yes ofc, NC becomes at least possible. I hope you agree if both stay, NC is impossible.

You at least have a decent framework you’ve created in how you will move forward. At this stage, that’s about as good as it gets and is A LOT more than most people have. So yeah, you’re doing good. Keep your eyes forward and keep moving.

As a general cynic on reconciliation, sometimes you just have to step back and ask: has everyone lost their minds? The fact that people are willing to entertain staying with a partner they have to actively police is total lunacy to me.

I’m not saying No Contact is wrong—in fact, all the evidence suggests it's a strict requirement if you want reconciliation to be successful. But the very fact that it’s required in the first place is an admission of one of two things:

Either you (fairly) believe your partner is so morally bankrupt they can’t interact with someone without crossing lines, or they’re so high on their own genitals they have zero impulse control, like a heroin addict.

If it’s the former... who on earth would want that?

And if it’s the latter... who on earth would want that?

I say keep on walking the route you're currently on. I'm sure ending the relationship will find you far more peace, happiness and wisdom in the long run.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 6:15 PM, Tuesday, August 11th]

Agreed with DRSOOLERS, why in heaven's name do some people like to fight to stay with a cheater??, just absolutely blows my mind 🤯 lol...

She has shown zero respect for you and continues to, stay the course and cut that cancer from your life...

Subpoenas will take care of this, but if there are any files on the shared computer they are fair game. Particularly commnuications and presentations with investors.

I generally agree with DRSOOLERS about the limits of reconciliation. Given our long shared history, generally good compatibility, love for our children, etc., I was willing to entertain the idea had she engaged with her infidelity in good faith and without rugsweeping from the beginning.

BUT, here we are. Two months after D-day, after a bit of "pick-me", hysterical bonding, grieving on both sides, I was able to assert my criteria (NC with AP) for any hope at R.

And last night, after a long talk, she's made the decision that she prefers her career over everything. She's already told at least one friend that we're separating.

Everything's become so real. I was prepared for this outcome. Even predicted it in my first session of therapy. I knew deep down inside that she would choose her career over her family. (Something I don't know that I'll ever fully understand.) I'm honestly not doing too bad right now. She's a hot mess. Could it be a manipulation tactic? Maybe. Am I budging? Not at all.

I hate how this is all ending, but I do recognize that getting out of this situation is definitely the best thing for me, and by extension, my children.

Might be time to move this thread to the divorce topic...

Soon2B

I'm sorry to hear that but also want to offer my congratulations.

It will be a hard road getting through the divorce and discovering the new normal. I would advise you take time to heal and work on yourself, when you are out the other end of this, you will recognize this is all for the best.

You presently had a partner who puts work above her family, (even putting aside the horrendous betrayal side of this) now you get to aim higher than that.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 12:46 PM, Wednesday, August 12th]

That’s disappointing of her. I’m glad to hear you’re doing ok, and I applaud you for not budging. She spent 18 years building your relationship and family, compared to the three she’s put into this startup.

I hope you’re not trying to comfort her. If you have’t already, please take a look at this article on the 180: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/
Make sure to read the FAQs.

You should be implementing this now. Who knows if she’s trying to manipulate you, but I’m glad you’re not rushing in to comfort her. She’s made her choice, now she has to live with it.

Have you given thought to what you’re going to tell your kids?

Sounds like she can't wait to be free, so give her the ultimate gift of your absence and please don't comfort her supposed "break down". When reality sets in, be prepared for the crawling back...

When they show you whom they are, believe them the first time...

I don’t get it. This site and this forum isn’t about making people reconcile but it’s all about getting out of infidelity. One possible path is reconciliation, and if you think those that want to go that path or do go that path are mentally deficient… well… keep in mind your host, the founder, the owner, the financer, the administrator of this site is by the same definition insane, and this site is dedicated to the memory of someone that was a wayward wife. The main administrator is also insane, as is at least half the staff.
Makes me wonder on the moral stance of those that willingly utilize the hospitality of someone they view as "insane", in an environment managed by madmen, dedicated to the memory of someone incapable of redemption.

But that’s not the issue. The issue is that your wife has reached her decision. She has chosen her career over her marriage.
Not really though. She hasn’t even done that: She has chosen ongoing contact with OM over her marriage. There are ways that her career could have remained on track without contact, but she has selected not to explore those options.

My suggestion is to focus on two things: Take her at face value, and try to deal with this as unemotionally and factually as you can.

For example: Let stakeholders know the real reason you are divorcing. It’s not that she won’t leave or sacrifice her job – it’s because she had an affair with her cofounder and isn’t willing to find ways to end contact with him. Don’t assign blame per se, don’t expect people to take sides. It’s just what’s happening.
Don’t take part in marital conversations with her. Like… if she says "the reason we are divorcing is you insist I sacrifice my career" the answer should be along the lines of "I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t necessarily agree but seeing as how we are divorcing there isn’t any need to discus this any further", and then go on to do other things. There is nothing to gain from arguments.

Spend some time now understanding divorce laws in your country. What to expect, what is joint property and what is split, what are the assets, what are the risks of her moving assets etc.
Look into the impact of what filing formally might have. As a general rule it doesn’t have much impact other than set a formal date where any future actions might be conditional to the divorce. For example: If she were to give her shares to OM today for USD 100 then MAYBE that would be considered acceptable, and her contribution to joint funds would be 100 for the sold shares. If however she were to do this after the divorce is filed it would be seen by the legal system as a ploy to lower value.

Bigger

Fair point, this was a poor choice of phrasing. I wasn't being literal when throwing around terms like "lunacy" or implying anyone here is literally insane.

The truth is, I’m a victim of this pattern myself. I literally started writing out the standard, formulaic advice about the critical importance of NC in reconciliation, and as I was typing it, I stopped, stepped back, and realized the disturbing implications of what I was actually advocating.

When you get so deep into the mechanics of peer-support advice—the "NC," the "180," the non-negotiables—it's easy to stop reflecting on what those boundary requirements actually mean on a human level. NC is undeniably necessary for reconciliation to work, but requiring it in the first place means you're forced to police a partner who either lacks basic impulse control or lacks a fundamental moral boundary. I thought that was a finding worth sharing. If you step back, do you not agree?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 4:00 PM, Wednesday, August 12th]

Your kids being of middle school age know something must be up between their mom and dad. Kids are smarter and more observant than most parents think. Have you and your WW discussed telling the kids about the impending separation? Did that come up in last night's conversation? Does your WW know that the reason of the destruction of the marriage and the split of family will eventually be known by her children? She really can't honestly believe that the children will never know that she cheated? Even if you never directly inform your children, too many others know of the fact and it will be eventually revealed to the children.

If you haven't discussed this with your WW, you need to do so pretty quick. She needs to know by cheating, separating and putting her career first, she will be considered the 'bad guy.' She's ok with playing the role of villain in the family?

Under no circumstance, should you ever promise your WW that you will actively conceal the real reason to your children. They are old enough to understand and while they don't need to know the gritty details, they need to know that mom has found a new boyfriend. Tell your wife you will never lie to your children.

You also need to discuss either the OM or any other dating partner being exposed to the children before an agreed upon time limit and depending on how serious the relationship has become. You also need to get your WW's thoughts on when a new female that you are in a relationship with, can meet the children. Yeah, let your WW consider there's a potential step-mother walking around out there that may enter her children's life... obviously, not immediately but eventually you will start to date before the kids are off to college. You're not going to live like a monk.

Are your kids U.S. citizens? Do you want to stay in Europe or move back to the U.S.?

All of the above is subject to advice and consultation by whichever attorney you retain. During your consultations (even the initial ones) ask about how to deal with the children, any potential pitfalls and what factors do courts take into consideration when determining custody. Also what age, if any, do courts take into consideration the children's opinion regarding custody and primary residency?

Good luck and stay strong Soon2B.

She's already told at least one friend that we're separating.

Seems like she made her decision and you were the last to know.

I’m sorry. The only upside is that you weren’t forced to waste years trying to R with someone who wasn’t on the same page.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:14 AM, Thursday, August 13th]

Soon2B

I’m willing to bet my favorite fly-rod that over the last couple of days your wife has had at least one conversation with OM, or an accountant, or an attorney, or a colleague… about how she can save the company from the impact of the divorce.
All sorts of monkey-work they can do to hide value. She could sell her stocks, they could quit operations and open in a new company, they could make the big purchase requiring the big loan now… whatever. For example: OM could purchase her shares at a lowball value, paid with an IOU.

The sooner you file – the sooner your assets are protected.

One general rule about divorce is that no matter how amicable the divorcing couple want to be, there is inevitable confrontation. "Amicable" divorce is a bit like where the surgical staff about to amputate your foot wear pastel-colored scrubs to make things a bit nicer. Still going to chop off your foot…
It’s immensely better for you to be in a position where you decide she get’s to keep all the assets in the company because she has forfeit whatever right she might have to your savings or pension, than to have to fork over half of everything while suspecting the OM will sell her back her share of the company at the same lowball price three minutes after the divorce is signed.

Yeah, it’s time to move it into high gear and protect your and your children’s financial future. It becomes a business transaction at this point and you need a good lawyer to help you protect yours. And the sooner you file the sooner everything gets locked down it makes it harder for her to do any shenanigans.

So sorry it came to this.

Excellent points Bigger.

A bit of a summary. Roughly at the beginning of August you posted, saying your Dday was "about" 2 months prior. Let's say June 1, plus or minus. You said that at that point the A had been going on for about 9 months. All told, that's the better part of a year. I think it's fair to say the affair has been in play since at least August 1, 2025.

Keep in mind that the physical part of an affair of this nature tends to ramp up over a period of time. Furtive glances. Less furtive. Outright gazing/flirting. Hesitant touches withdrawn, then later not withdrawn, then not so hesitant. Kissing. First base. Second base. Etc. It generally takes a married person some amount of time through this process to get beyond the fundamental hurdle of knowingly betraying marital vows.

The facts here are unique, though because your WW's AP is also her business partner in a biotech start-up. You say this has been in play around three years. Let's say it was formally launched July 1, 2023. I don't know how your WW and the AP know one another. It's rare for co-founders of a startup to begin as strangers, such as randomly meeting on LinkedIn a-la Grindr. Launching a startup is a high-risk/high-reward undertaking. If your WW is smart and savvy enough to undertake this with the path to success you describe, my assumption is that she has been in the biotech industry herself for some time, as has her co-founder, and that both of them are educated, accomplished individuals who knew one another via industry affiliation well enough to place this level of trust in one another.

I say all of this because the relationship between your WW and her AP is probably much older than 3 years. I'd hazard that it's at least 5 years, going back (under that assumption) to July, 2021. Around the time things began opening up post-covid.

Launching a start-up with a single co-founder is an intense, immersive, and deeply intimate process. It is based almost entirely on dreams and visions, which the co-founders must by necessity share from the outset and revisit throughout. It is almost certain that the emotional underpinnings of her affair have tendrils that relate all the way back to the first decision to launch the venture. There was something about the AP that led your WW to throw herself 100% both feet all the way into this process, and in most cases the character of the co-founder as a man is a big part of that. In other words, I think it's safe to say your WW was feening from the outset, at least subconsciously. You're not being honest with yourself if you don't recognize that.

On the mechanical side, part of the process for such a venture involves close interconnected relationships with legal counsel and financial advisors. Professionals who themselves become deeply involved with and gain intimate knowledge of the guts of the venture.

I point all this out to reach my basic point, which is that you are still fiddling around at the starting line under what appears to be the unexamined assumption that you have the ability to decide whether to go or not, but she is already at least half way around the track and running fast.

First, she has been lying to you about her relationship with the AP for at least a year, but more likely for years. How many individual lies do you think she has told you even just since January 1 of this year, coming home late "from work" after sexing up the AP in their office, then rebuffing you in bed: "Not tonight, dear, I'm exhausted." "I'll be at work all weekend, can you take the kids?" Lying to you is her normal. Her default. By now she does it as naturally as breathing. You cannot and should not trust anything she says. In one of your posts you suggest that "we" decided to divorce. There is no "we." She is manipulating you into believing that so she can increase her head start.

Keep in mind that, as noted, she has been working closely with legal counsel and financial advisors for years, all for the purpose of plotting the financial and legal future of her business venture. Note I say "her" business venture. I'd bet my entire 401k that she does not regard this asset as one that belongs to your marital asset pool. I can almost guarantee that she has devoted a great deal of time and effort already into positioning herself in terms of legal structure, corporate structure, and investment structure to insulate these assets so that she can exit the marriage with her ownership intact.

At the same time it is clear that she has exited the marriage emotionally long ago. Again, she is maintaining a facade of connectedness with you to keep you from arming yourself and proceeding, but she's not doing this to be nice to you. She's doing it to increase her head start.

With all possible urgency, my advice to you is to wake up, man! Lawyer up. Take the tarp off your guns, rev it up, and get ready. I believe you say that you're in Europe, not the US, but many of the legal concept that underpin US law also resonate in Europe. In the US, one of the most fundamental concepts in our divorce structure is that value which is built by a spouse's work during marriage belongs to the marital community. Some states call this "community property" or "marital property," but regardless of the name, the concept is that one spouse has the ability to immerse herself into the work of a startup because of the support of the other spouse, and therefore the fruits of that effort belong to the spouses jointly.

It's critical that you explore this with your legal counsel. Like today. Or Monday.

The endgame for most startups like your wife's is to build a viable technology, prove its concept and its scalability, and then sell it to a big. Assuming your nation recognizes some version of the legal concept I outline above, you already have inchoate ownership of a percentage of the lucre associated with that sale. However, every day you delay is another day she is further reinforcing the armor plating she has been building around this asset for the specific purpose of keeping it from you so that she and Mr. Goodbar can live happily ever after on the cocktail deck of their yacht in Monaco enjoying the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow they have been working as a team to paint for all of these years.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:26 PM, Friday, August 14th]

I hope that Bigger is right. A good forensic accountant along with a lawyer who has access to a good tech to scrub subpoena’d data will make lunch meat of that.

They know it too. It’s an early stage company and initial investor projects are always ridiculously high and rose-colored.

Move FAST dude. FAST.