SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (M-41) just found out last Friday that my wife was having an affair with her co worker for a year. I confronted her and she blamed me for being distant etc.

I am devastated and broken as I worry about our little son . Since then I haven’t been able to sleep, eat, or do anything. I kept blaming myself and asking what could I have done better.

So we decided to go to marriage counseling to see how we can co parent while divorced. However the therapist started by saying infidelity is always two people’s fault. She kept telling me it’s my fault for not being there for her. This just made me go into this spiral of how I could have saved my marriage. The counselor pretty much took my wife’s side and asked her things like "so you did this because you wanted to feel loved and appreciated " . This just broke me more . I don’t know how I can’t get out of this to be present for my son and get back to my job

So a HARD NO on marriage counseling. The Marriage (M) didn’t cheat - your WS (wayward spouse) cheated.
You are each 50% responsible for issues in your M. She is 100% responsible for cheating when she had dozens of better options from talking to you to separating. She CHOSE to cheat. Do not accept responsibility for her actions.

As for short term handling this— it is really really hard. Be kind to yourself.

1) take care of yourself. Eat healthy, drink water, avoid drugs/alcohol, get daily exercise and enough sleep. If you are struggling with food, drink protein shakes. If you are struggling with anxiety or sleep, see your doctor. This helps your emotions, body, and mind. You need to focus on you and your child.

2) While at your doctor, get a full panel of STD/STI testing and do not have unprotected sex with your WS until she is also tested and SHOWS you the results. Cheaters lie and you can’t risk your health.

3) Read in the healing library and any posts with the bullseye in the Just Found Out forum.

4) See a lawyer or three. Not to D (divorce) but for knowledge. We make so many decisions from a place of fear and ignorance. Knowledge is power and knowing what D could look like gives you power. You do not need to tell your WS you are doing this.

5) Get in to Individual Counseling (and drop the MC). Find a trauma informed therapist because this IS A TRAUMA. You WILL get through this, but a good IC can help. Is there anyone IRL you can talk to ? Pastor, Bestie, sibling or parent? Someone who will support you no matter how this works out?

Healing from this takes years. But you can get through it - trust that you are stronger than you feel right now.
Keep posting, keep reading, and know you are not alone.

And so sorry you had to find us.

Im sorry you are joining the club now one wants to join.

There are a bunch of resources in this forum and also in the healing library that they recommend newly betrayed read.

Also do what you need to to take care of yourself. Prioritize your health, sleep, and find a support system if you can. Trusted people you can talk to. Betrayal trauma is no joke. It's certainly the worst thing I've ever been through by far.

First know that this is in no way your fault. No matter the issues in the marriage, you were not involved in her decision to cheat. She certainly had many other options if she was unhappy.

Nearly everyone wonders the same thing after D-day. It's very normal. I did the same thing hard core for many months. "What did I do to cause this". Answer. Nothing. I could have been the most perfect spouse and she still wouldn't have cheated because it's about her not me.

Second, fire that couples counselor right now.

Or go back, and ask her what part an abused woman played in causing her husband to abuse her. Ridiculous.

OP, counselors - and this was NOT a good one - are often trained to find balance in relationships which means that they try to find something to blame on each side so that no one is the "villain" and both feel responsible in healing the relationship. Unfortunately this is not true, and often it IS one person who has done dirty deeds, and is the "villain" and the other partner is really innocent of this and blameless. No one forces anyone to commit adultery and no one is to blame but the person who made the choice to do it. Until your wife decides to take responsibility for what she did, and end it completely with NO CONTACT (including leaving her job), you two can't progress forward. Adultery is not something someone is forced in to - most people do it because they WANT TO and the opportunity arises....or vice versa, but they make these decisions and work the lies and scheming to make it work and keep things quiet on the home front. The most common excuse is to blame the spouse, but it IS an excuse. The adult thing to do if there was a problem or lack in your marriage would be to TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT and try to work it out, make better decisions together, and at least be aware of whatever issues she was having. My belief is that there really weren't any issues....like a famous grifting politician of the past "I saw my opportunities and I tooks them." DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS AT ALL. Are there things that could be improved - yes, for ALL OF US. She's got issues too, you didn't cheat on her.

How to work through this if you can? Well, others might be able to help you more with that practicality, but I just wanted to emphasize that this is NOT YOUR FAULT and you should not accept ANY BLAME for this. It's all on her. The degree to which she will be willing to accept responsibility is the degree to which she is willing to grow as a person and save the marriage.

I think at a minimum you need full disclosure of what they did together (as much as you want), when it started, how they communicated, where they met - whatever you need to know. The other spouse if there is one, needs to be informed - it's both the right thing to do and it puts some real limits on the affair from the other side. She needs to write a letter or email or call him - whatever you prefer - with you there, telling him the relationship is completely over forever. She should return or throw out anything he gave her. Then she should go NO CONTACT which probably means she has to leave this job. That's part of the price too. There must be consequences and also, it's a practical concern - as long as she has contact with him however marginal, there will always be temptation and the opportunity for it to flame up.

If she's unwilling to do these things and to make you feel comfortable, safe and loved, whatever you need for that, then you don't have anything to work with, she doesn't respect you, and I'd go talk to a lawyer about divorce. I know it sounds scary but if she won't make the necessary changes, you can't live with someone who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or think she can do whatever she wants and get away with and blame it on you. Don't take that. ACCEPT NO BLAME.

Our marriage counselor said somethings and looking back I regret not walking out. Nothing she said was as dumb as what you endured. I strongly recommend either dropping MC or finding a new one. You probably both need IC before MC. What you DON'T need is more of the crap you got from your current MC.

Your wife (supported by your counselor) is behaving like a typical cheater. And that is the position of blame everyone or everything else.

You didn’t cook her dinner the way she liked it — so she cheated.

You didn’t take her in a big lavish over the top vacation - so she cheated.

She doesn’t have a $19k designer handbag - so she cheated.

Her boss yelled at her - so she cheated.

The kids/pets/parents were ill and ruined her plans - so she cheated.

You can see how utterly stupid and pathetic this line of reasoning / logic is. But cheaters do it all the time.

There is NO justification for cheating. Bottom line - she cheated because she wanted to. She wanted the ego boost and dopamine hit and excitement that she thinks an affair brings to her life.

I’m sorry for you and I strongly suggest that you 🛑 stop marriage counseling and you find a counselor who can support you through the healing process. Someone who is experienced in infidelity based trauma.

Fire that counselor. Many therapists who do MC are woefully ill equipped to deal with infidelity. This one is actually validating it. Wouldn’t surprise me if she’s a cheater herself and is using your situation to self validate.

If the coworker is married or has a girlfriend let her know what’s going on. Check out the Healing Library here. Pay attention to the simplified 180 and put it into practice.

Your counsellor is an idiot.

There is some truth in the idea that breakdowns in relationships often include both people, but two things:

1) Infidelity is NOT always a sign the cheating spouse is missing something or the relationship has broken down.

2) Infidelity is NOT a valid response, even if that were the cause.

If my fWS were here he'd tell you our M was lacking nothing, we had no problems and I contributed a grand total of zero to his behaviour. The opposite was true actually and only one of us was a healthy and safe partner.

For those who do have marital problems, you simply don't deal with that by screwing someone else.

I hope you walk away from that counsellor quickly as he or she is an absolute idiot and the last thing a WS needs is a convenient way to shift blame.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some posts that aren't pinned that are really good. They have bull's eye icons so you can find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, too.

Your WW (Wayward Wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly short read, but is a good blueprint for waywards to follow. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

The A (affair) wasn't due to anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. The A was your WW's decision. If she wasn't happy with the M, she could have made a lot of other decisions. Instead, she picked the option that threw the hand grenade that blew up your family.

You work on healing you, your WW works on becoming a safe partner, then you may wish to have MC to work on your relationship.

Sorry.

Did your WW pick the MC

DNA your son

Is the OM in a position of authority in the company?

What you're going through is pretty normal. Life for me was awful for 3-6 months after finding out. Then I started a very slow climb to a point where I could feel joy again.

So hang in and - here it is again - focus on your healing. IMO, that means acknowledging and feeling the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. that come with being betrayed. Crying, screaming, bashing (a pillow or punching bag, for example, not your W) - all are ways of processing the pain out of your body. Drink water. Eat what you like, but get some protein every day.

Once you start feeling the feelings, it'll be easier to get back to work. If you haven't told your boss about this, consider doing so. A good manager is likely to give you as much slack as they can.

My reco is to hold off committing to any course until you know it's either necessary or the outcome you want. If you want D, or if your W files for D, your path is pretty easy - find a good lawyer, and follow the path to D. If you want R, look at your W's behavior. If she's remorseful, R is possible - but that requires her to take responsibility for cheating. At this point, though, she's blaming you. That's not a good start.

Take a look at https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. Is your W doing what the author expects from a WS who wants to R?

Above all, have some faith in yourself to heal. I imagine millions of people have been cheated on, and I believe almost all of us have healed or are healing. Give up trying to control the outcome - focus on your healing. You can survive and thrive.

*****

Of course an A requires 2 - the WS and the affair partner. The BS gets a lot of pain, but the BS didn't fail. The WS and ap did.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:45 PM, Thursday, July 24th]

So we decided to go to marriage counseling to see how we can co parent while divorced. However the therapist started by saying infidelity is always two people’s fault. She kept telling me it’s my fault for not being there for her.

And THIS, ladies & gentlemen, is the precise reason why it ought be gospel around here to NEVER start MC immediately after DDay. Not just "may not be the best idea", but, simply, DON’T.

PAY ATTENTION TO US! You did not make your ws cheat. You don’t have that much power! Get away from that therapist! You might have been a jackass, a wife beater, a thief and she could have made a decision to leave anytime. She didn’t. She cheated. So, we have no idea who, or what, you are except we do know your ws cheated on you.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:27 PM, Thursday, July 24th]

Sir, I'm sorry you've had to find us.

Your MC is clearly a poster child for shitty MC's and the damage MC can do in the wake of an affair. Is murder two people's fault? Assault? Rape?

You are the victim here. This is victim blaming.

So don't accept that bullshit of being retraumatized and told the trauma is even 1% your fault. Zero.

Could you be a better person, man, husband? Sure, but the choice to lie, violate your vows, and have an affair was purely your wife's.

Fire your MC, get a good IC. Get your feet under you.

Is your wife NC with her AP? That's step one.

Say it with me-

"I was in the same marriage and didn’t cheat."

There is nothing you could do that would force her to cheat. Even if you 100% neglected every single need she has.

Period.

I know it’s hard when someone in authority is saying stupid shit to you. But that’s some stupid shit.

Don’t go back to that counselor.

Are you done? Or do you want to reconcile?

If you want to reconcile, don’t see a marriage counselor. Your wife is not a safe partner at all. She needs to fix her shit, then fix the marriage. I would not see a marriage counselor until at least a year in to her seeing a counselor on her own.

That’s some bullshit and traumatizing to you.

You were in the same marriage and acted with integrity. Why didn’t she?

Your fault? Absolutely not. If she was so unhappy she could have spoken up, she could have filed for divorce. But she took the cowardly path, the "easy" path.

It seems that when caught damn near every cheating spouse tries the "IT'S YOUR FAULT I CHEATED" BS and it is BS. It's MY fault that YOU were sooooo unhappy yet didn't have the balls to sit down and talk to me? It's MY fault that you disrespected me, our marriage, that you acted like a wh*re?

My wife once said "Placing blame doesn't help. We are both at fault." My response "This is 100% on you. You chose to do what you did, I had no part in it "

It took a long time to finally say it was all on her. They all look for a way to deflect the blame and guilt. It's a self defense mechanism. Don't fall for it. Call her on her BS.

And dump the MC, way too early for that. Your wife (and you) need IC first. If/when your wife can 100% accept responsibility THEN you can possibly think about MC.

When I confronted my wife I did it in my truck, away from the kids, somewhere no one could overhear. When we started MC (which was WAY too early as I didn't know better) my wife told the MC that she felt "unsafe and claustrophobic" in the truck. I quickly made it clear that there was never any threats of violence made, that I have never laid a hand on my wife. The f'ing MC tried to get me to APOLOGIZE to my wife for making her feel "unsafe"

I said no. I have nothing to apologize for. I did nothing to make her feel unsafe. I chose the location so that no one could hear our conversation so no, I will not apologize. She pushed and pushed and I said no absolutely not

We are here for you

Hey Shhhake,

Sorry you needed to find this place, but I'm glad you did especially early on. I didn't and made many mistakes and accidentally did some things right.

Like everyone here, I will concur that your MC is shit. Your WW still has her head up her ass and will say and do anything to avoid being the villain in her own narrative. Don't cooperate with that.

Imagine you finally got your dream position with a company: six figure salary corner office, expense account, travel, the works. You finally arrived and you are thrilled, at least at the start. Then, you experience some grievances, real or imagined. Maybe the boss doesn't say good morning cheerfully enough or maybe your gift sucked during secret Santa. Or maybe your yearly bonus wasn't quite what you felt you deserved. Whatever it is, you feel like you deserve more out of life.

Now, you could go to the boss to discuss your feelings and try to work them out. You could even look for a position with another company. You could go to therapy to discover why you feel this way and take a long, hard, objective look at your situation. But instead of doing any of these things you decide to embezel money from the company.

Of course, you are discovered arrested and charged. At your trial, you agree that you did embezel money, but insist that you are not guilty because you felt unhappy and unvalued by your boss. In fact you go so far as to argue that since your boss contributed, nay, was largely responsible for creating the environment in which you developed those feelings they are in fact the villains and you the real victim. And by being the victim, you'd appreciate a little sympathy, thank you very much.

Is that kinda what your WW and MC are arguing?

Don’t really see the need of addressing the infidelity if the goal of the MC is to become better coparents – as a separated couple trying to minimize the trauma for the kids.

I am certain that in many marriages the state of the relationship can explain or give a clue to why they end in infidelity. Just like they might explain why the wife poisoned her husband, or the husband strangled his wife. Explain however is not justification or a valid reason. It’s more like "ahhh... so he was abusive and beat the crap out of her and threatened to kill her... I know can see some reason for why she poured gasoline over him passed out from booze and torched him...". Heck... even our legal system sometimes finds some form of mercy in situations like this and passes a milder sentence. However... that doesn’t really apply to infidelity... It’s not as if her life was in danger or you a threat. Her unmet "needs" are more emotional than life-essential, and could have been addressed with improved communications or even a divorce.

I have used this comparison previously, and feel a need to warn that I am NOT equating rape to infidelity. It’s simply a scenario comparison I think many can relate to, albeit with switched gender-roles.
You could ask your MC what she would be saying if you were there with your rapist.
Would she be telling you that you are accountable for being raped because you wore skimpy clothes, or showed cleavage, or had the rapist pay for a lobster-meal... Or that you should expect to be raped in that part of town. Things rape-victims might have heard some decades ago, but now the prevalent theory is that rape is rape, no is no and that the rapist is always accountable.
In some ways you were raped. You didn’t have any say on what took place, yet it impacts you and your life directly. You are dealing with comparable self-blame and victim issues that other victims of violent crime experience.

My suggestion is a relatively simple one. Hard but simple:

You can be the greatest coparents without any guidance per se. At least not through this quack of a MC.
Tell your wife the following:

You are free to be with OM. If I am so terrible and my actions forced you to go and have an affair then it’s best I set you totally free of all marital obligations. Go be with OM, date OM, stay with OM... whatever. But not as my wife.

I can accept my part in the state of our marriage, but I will NEVER accept an iota of blame for your decision to seek gratification outside our marriage. After all – if my actions caused this now without my knowledge there is no way my future actions will prevent a repeat. I might as well cut my losses right away.

I am therefore starting the process of terminating our marriage. We will follow the rules and laws in our area and it will be as fair as possible.
I don’t see any need for MC, or for any discussion in what led us to this place. I’m fine with you blaming me for everything because I know the truth, and once fully separated your view won’t have any impact on me whatsoever.

If you have any wish to reconcile you need to let me know clearly and verbally. You will need to provide me with all required details of the affair and accountability proving to me there is no ongoing contact. Keep in mind that the further I go along out of our marriage and infidelity the less inclined I will be to even attempt reconciling.

Then you simply go make a sandwich. If she starts on how your lack of interest in her knitting pushed her away your stock answer to ALL discussions is:

I’m sorry to hear that. I was not aware of this issue and if we were working at reconciling we would need to address that. Seeing as how you have selected your infidelity and I have selected to get out of infidelity then there really isn’t a need to go there. Want cheese in your sandwich?"

Basically – remove yourself from the confrontation and focus on getting out of infidelity.
Definitely start researching divorce in your neck of the woods and start the process. It takes time, and can be paused or even stopped at numerous point. The key issue is to keep pressure on both of you to get out of infidelity. Her actions and your decision can then determine if that’s as a couple or divorced.

Fire that MC.
The stance they took on infidelity is the same as if they blamed a woman for her husband beating her.
I’d put big money on the MC being an unrepentant cheater themselves.