SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For me, it wasn’t really a bs versus AP thing. The draw was in the escapism first and foremost.

Cheating for a lot of people involved validation but underneath that is self adulation. Being someone you do not believe you are at your core. I wanted to be younger, cooler, funnier, sexier, etc. My husband knows me, and in many ways I felt like I could not live up to his expectations. Not because he really even had them. It was an issue with my self perception.

I am not a huge Esther Pearl fan, but I she says a lot of people cheat to meet a different version of themselves. That really hit the nail on the head for me.

There was nothing special about my AP, I actually was aware my husband was a better man. But when you live your life doing what you think others need and expect rather than being more authentic it makes you feel like you have sequester a big part of yourself. I blamed that on my marriage instead of recognizing that I created this dynamic in myself.

And the Ap didn’t get my best self either, he got a regurgitated version of me a I was in my youth. Not a great look for a middle aged lady. I was so cringe it was pathetic.

The ap was convenient person who was willing to be an awful person with me. The affair was precipitated by time alone with him in a business trip, so these things I recognized later. In the meantime, you are telling yourself no one will find out, no one will get hurt, or alternatively I thought I really wanted to be free and live in my own. Some people are cake eaters, I was more along the lines of having an exit affair but nothing was well thought through.

Cheating is frequently caused by low self esteem. Not feeling worthy of your partner. Mine happened during a deep depression and now those dopamine hits were a big propellant.

If I could go back and operate intelligently it would never have happened. It was not only the worst thing I did to my husband but it’s the worst thing I ever did to myself.

I hope that helps answer your question. I hope your husband is digging to find these answers too because I had to change at my core and understanding what I was seeking was a big clue in what I needed to work on.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:17 PM, Monday, June 15th]

GotTheMorbs

I appreciate the response. WH did attempt to relay his needs. At the time though, I was breastfeeding and solo raising essentially twin infants and his one time attempt at telling me he wishes I desired him 100% fell on deaf ears. At the time, I remember telling him "maybe if you were nice to me I'd want to do you more". Not the best response and definitely was coated in resentment, but I was a postpartum mom who was sleep deprived, my body was destroyed, changed, and on top of it I was with someone who wanted to feel desired without doing any work to make himself desirable to me.

That right there gave me an aha moment because AP in all his weakness gave him desirability without any work at all, all she had to do was tell him it was hot that he was bi and he was IN IT. Me, his family, none of us existed in that moment.

I guess I still don't understand because WH had been with others during our openness (men only, the one boundary I had) so I'm sure he felt the excitement, I wonder why even in those agreed upon moments he didn't have instances of "I wish I felt like this with my wife" or "I wish I was home with my family" like I did during my moments during that time in our marriage. It's a really big mind fk for me.

The food analogy I kind of get, but the thing that throws me off is that they are "empty calories" you were getting from AP. Just like how I recognized while WITH my other partner that the moments of connection and care were all just a facade, given to me because it's what I required for a sexual relationship. I was hyper aware that what he was feeding me was purely for his own benefit and not out of a deep care and respect of me in any meaningful way. Is that recognition from a deep knowing of myself, an ability to look within that WS lack? Was there nothing telling you that what you were receiving was purely fake and has no real substance? Was there any point where the thought came that what you were seeking was actually something your BS could have provided and it actually fulfill you? Just some thoughts.

Hikingout
I always appreciate your responses even if I don't have the capacity to respond. For this scenario I get it. Escapism does seem to be the initial draw, he in that moment has said he was in a state where all that existed was a version of him that was buried one where he was not married, no loving wife, not even his family existed in that moment. His depression he was open with and had obviously been getting worse, he actually had finally reached out to his dr about meds right before the A happened (at my direction) after literal YEARS he said of white knuckling. To this day he can't point to when the depression started, but I have a feeling he went into the relationship with me with it draped over him. His was an a ONS so it's hard to compare but the fact is boundaries had been so eroded over time that I shouldn't have been so surprised, I just rug swept so much previously that in my mind what he was telling me leading up to the A was truth. That I was enough, that I was all he needed, that no other woman could give him what I could. I like to believe that all was still true, yet it's difficult when in my delusional belief that we were back to being "us" he was still deeply unhappy and utilizing sexual release as his only source of regulation. The dopamine hits kept him going, and then a real life opportunity was sitting in front of him and under the influence of heavy drinking and secretly taking drugs that night (stimulant) it was practically compulsive.

He is doing the work, but I still struggle with understanding if the dopamine hits were obviously provided by a farce and left one feeling worse vs better (WH has stated all instances of sexual experiences outside of with me felt empty, even the ones during our open marriage) it just doesn't make sense why during that time communicating what was lacking or what it was that was missing in us for him to feel the need to sexually step outside of our marriage.

I just compare to my own experiences in our openness because IN the moment it did feel good, being taken out by a handsome successful man, cuddling and talking while feeling like he heard and appreciated me... But there was always a whisper of "this is what I want, but this is not who I want it from, this person doesn't give two shts about me". I said as much to my husband and I just don't get why the same couldn't be returned unless the feeling was never even there in his mind. That hurts.

I guess the real question that remains is why wasn't vulnerability an option? Was seeking beyond the marriage the only answer?

Thanks y'all.

I understand a lot of what you are saying. Mine was along the lines of a one night stand, more like a one business trip stand with some emotional/sexting mixed in for a few weeks prior and after.

We also had a period of being with other people before we got married and I would tell you truthfully all those encounters and with the AP it was empty as well. When that surge of dopamine and adrenaline kicks in after a feeling of emotional deadness, it was compelling. But the physical intimacy was more anxiety producing and performative.

I do not excuse what I did, or think it was the only solution but it was easy. And yes, I understand the layers he speaks about, for me it was like that to…compartmentalizations.

The being vulnerable…

Like your husband I stated my issues blvery few times and I am sure my husband just heard it as either a mood or a normal marital complaint. But underneath that I was drowning. But many of us ws are avoidant attachment style. And honestly ten years later it still takes me a concerted effort to lean in to the marriage and communicate in certain areas. But I understand it’s important for me to not start self abandoning again.

The terrible answer to this is I didn’t want to be a burden, or a downer, so over time I put on a happy face and held a lot in. That wasn’t my husbands fault. He is a calm and reasonable person who I can’t think of many times over our 27 year relationship that when even raised his voice at me. This stuff is built into the operating system that was acquired during childhood. And I could go into logistics on how mine worked and how that played into the lack of vulnerability but I am not sure that would be as helpful for how I started to uncover it and change it.

A big epiphany happened for me when I was reading "rising strong" by brene brown. It made me aware of how the toxic shame I had carried all my life kept me from being able to have a deeper connection because being vulnerable was very hard for me. As an avoidant, I tend to be very self protective, and because of that I would always just turn to be overly accommodating.

I can only say through this mess I truly know the only person I have loved as an adult has been my husband, and I will never let either of us forget that again.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:54 PM, Monday, June 15th]

It's certainly understandable that you didn't want much sex during that early postpartum window; it's literally insane what we go through to carry, birth, and look after babies. It's hard to feel sexy when your body is heavier and sleep deprived, organs out of place, skin stretched, breasts sore and leaking, ears constantly on alert for crying, haven't had a moment to yourself to shower... You've got other priorities when that's all going on. I struggled with only one newborn; I have no clue how anyone does it with two or more! You're a rockstar mom for sure, and I hope that you're proud of yourself.

Many men have wives that don't want sex for a while after giving birth, and while some of them don't really get it (How could they, when they'll never be pregnant or postpartum themselves?), they still conduct themselves faithfully. It might be hard for them to wait, but they, ahem, take care of themselves in the meantime and get through it.

Your WH told you himself: it was less about the sex and more about feeling desired. That's how it was for me, and part of why my EA turned sexual in nature. My H and I were sexually active before and during the A, but I felt like he didn't even notice when I was stark naked, or get excited about the prospect of sex with me the way other women's husbands seemed to. I remember going on mumsnet and describing what I was seeing and feeling, and the women who replied accused me of secretly being a man or of being AI because they were having to beat their sex-pest husbands off with sticks and they couldn't imagine the lust discrepancy going the other way... The reality was, he was just stressed, preoccupied, not taking great care of his physical health, and having anxiety about ED (which ironically was giving him ED symptoms.) And of course, when I was conducting the A and his gut was telling him something was off, that pushed him further away. But I assumed either there was something unappealing about me, or that he'd just lost interest in me in general. And I felt like I hadn't physically changed recently, that I theoretically should still be attractive to men, so I assumed it was the latter. I didn't have a lot of confidence I could win his interest back. It was very painful.

When someone came along who seemed easily sexually excited about me, it made me feel desired, and that feeling was difficult for me to pass up. I did wish the desire was coming from my BH, but the "junk food" affair validation was better than not feeling desired at all. I knew deep down it was wrong and fake, that this AP and I were mutually using each other, and I felt horribly guilty about going behind my H's back, but I pushed those thoughts away and just enjoyed the feelings in the moment. It was easier than mourning the perceived death of our marriage. I don't know if this is a question you asked him, but it's possible he did wish the feeling of desirability came from you even while he was with someone else, but settled for easier, cheaper validation. According to "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, some WS completely compartmentalize their marriage and their affairs, carefully keeping them separate in their minds, never thinking about one while engaged in the other so as to avoid that internal conflict, guilt, and cognitive dissonance, as a means of self-protection. That's also a possibility for your WS.

One day a stranger comes along and whispers, "Hey, follow me!" and he leads you to a secret room with a buffet full of fried foods and sugary deserts, like a scene straight out of Biggest Loser. [temptation]

I get the metaphor, but I have a question about the perception of it:

The buffet is an offering of something that wether unhealthy or not, is freely given to you (i get the perspective of this is the ego taking, it doesn’t care if it’s given or stolen).

Basically in the metaphor the AP is altruistically giving here (junk, but still something that you enjoy in the moment).

Theirs is nothing really wrong with the AP here, he’s just selflessly offering you solace, a bit like grandma offering you candy when mom isn’t looking.

It’s still "wrong" but a lot less egotistical and transactional. Actually is not transactional at all, he’s just being nice, nothing in it for him.

I always figured that the AP approach is more like the pedophile offering candies to a child for following him in that dark room. With the caveat the wayward is an adult and not a child of course.

So the question is: while you were stuffing at the buffet, didn’t you ever feel that the AP was taking something from you? Sure it offered all the scraps you could eat, but have you noticed if in exchange he was devouring you?

Does it ever feel like you are the main course and all you hold dear (your relationship included) is the side dish, the spice the affair partner devours while you are distracted by the scraps buffet?

Does the instinct detects the transaction or there is no red flag?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:39 AM, Tuesday, June 16th]

I always figured that the AP approach is more like the pedophile offering candies to a child for following him in that dark room. With the caveat the wayward is an adult and not a child of course.

Yeah, it is a little bit like that. Except I'm an adult who should know better, and I was simultaneously the victim and the predator. We were using each other. And I knew that; it's just that the committee members who were telling me such things and waving the red flags were pushed away and ignored. I was like a little kid sticking my fingers in my ears going "la la la la....I can't hear you!"

Thank you. it is really helpful to understand WS perceptions about that, because I only have my own experience, and to me is blindingly obvious what cheaters/AP broadcasts not just as availability but as intentionality as well.

It’s such a neon sign that I find hard to believe it goes unnoticed.
All my experience with cheating people (speaking of those who I wasn’t romantically involved with of course), gives me the feeling that they know full well what is going on and what the intention of the AP (and theirs) are. And then they get justified, but apparently only after?

Obviously the entire point of me talking about others is running in circle about how and why the woman who stabbed me should be the exception to this rule.

I can’t believe she is.

Hikingout...

Cheating for a lot of people involved validation but underneath that is self adulation. Being someone you do not believe you are at your core. I wanted to be younger, cooler, funnier, sexier, etc. My husband knows me, and in many ways I felt like I could not live up to his expectations. Not because he really even had them. It was an issue with my self perception.

I am not a huge Esther Pearl fan, but I she says a lot of people cheat to meet a different version of themselves. That really hit the nail on the head for me.

There was nothing special about my AP, I actually was aware my husband was a better man. But when you live your life doing what you think others need and expect rather than being more authentic it makes you feel like you have sequester a big part of yourself. I blamed that on my marriage instead of recognizing that I created this dynamic in myself.

And the Ap didn’t get my best self either, he got a regurgitated version of me a I was in my youth. Not a great look for a middle aged lady. I was so cringe it was pathetic.

In regards to the things you have said that put I in bold, I want to ask HOW did you present yourself in these ways?

You have helped me with this before and I appreciated it but still struggle with the idea. My W told her AP she was 10 years younger than she was (he was 15 years younger) but it seemed so pathetic to me.

She could not understand his texting so she would ask our daughters what certain phrases meant and try get an understanding of "youthful slang" in order to respond to AP in more of his native tongue.
After D day she often spoke of how AP was an "absolute train wreck" of a person and how hard it was to relate to some of the conversations, yet they spent hours talking on the phone and texting.

How hard was it for you to become a version of yourself that YOU wanted to be but also that the you thought the AP wanted?

Well actually I am glad you asked because the truth is all I did was invent a different inauthentic version of myself.

You don’t really get to meet that other version of yourself that you are inventing. It’s all escapism.

It took a long time to unwind all that, because in reality I was having an existential crisis because I didn’t feel a defined sense of self. I had given so much to try and be loved that I didn’t know who I was anymore, what I needed, I was just escaping the pain of that.

How hard? The first year was the hardest because forming a true sense of identity after cheating takes many layers and the first many layers was just trying to overcome the shame of it wnough to start looking underneath. My identity had gone from I am going to be this young careless self I once was to now having my identity become "I am a truly terrible person"

I spun my wheels in the mud there a good long time.

Some would say that’s selfish, but I didn’t know how to see past ruining life as I knew it and I was so scared of what was under the hood of that. It helped to be here because a lot of wise former ws existed here then and they were able to describe aspects of what they were learning and O recognized some of myself in each one of them. I started to realize there was no deep dark horrible stuff to extract, it really was just a long list of things I needed to learn to accept, do differently, perceive more fully, etc.

And I eventually got to where I didn’t need to find myself in the more of those members, it got me in the road to start getting curious about myself.

I am not perfect and never will be. I still practice things , learn things, strive towards growing, and that work is just never done. It’s not under the duress it once was, nothing is on fire now, but I have areas that are still underdeveloped, and other things I think I have resolved to at least an appropriate level of mastery, and I still find blind spots.

I would say all in all it probably took me 6-7 years to get to a place that I could maybe feel I reached the point on the map that I believe you are asking about.

And that woman looks nothing like some made up role I played at in the affair. She looks nothing like any prior version of myself. And this election is enough- I don’t need to be younger, sexier, more fun. I am no longer vain in the ways I was when I was insecure. The substance of the kind of person that I strive towards thinks it’s far sexier and more fun to be at peace and use integrity, and have a wide range of wholesome interests that promote happiness.

Thanks for your answer Hikingout.

I gleaned quite a bit from it.

But I wanted to redirect my question here:

Well actually I am glad you asked because the truth is all I did was invent a different inauthentic version of myself.

You don’t really get to meet that other version of yourself that you are inventing. It’s all escapism.

How did you come up with this VERSION of yourself? How did you act out this version of yourself?

Did you dress sexier or was it just feeling more desirable?
Did you act more outgoing? Or was it just carefree, throwing caution to the wind and doing whatever came to mind?

My W tried to become a younger person but it did not SEEM like a younger version of herself. I could be wrong but it seemed like she tried to become a younger different person and while it seems small, it still bothers me almost 4 years later.

The AP was a real, dumbass. Used a bunch of street slang. Fancied himself a dope dealer, but constantly got high off his own supply. A real failure. When I read their texts, it was obviously from a guy who didn't do well in school.

And to see my college educated wife who graduated Magna Cum Laude trying to talk like this and act in such childish ways angered me. It was an insult that she felt she had to something different to seek this loser's approval.

I get the idea of putting on a show to keep the adulation and validation coming....but to become a whole different person seems like too much work.

Oh- who I was being for the Ap.

So, I would best describe it as a mixture of my professional self (the person was a colleague) and who I was at 18.

I have been with my husband since my early twenties so I was a lot like I was then. More carefree and wild. Sort of who I was before losing myself over the years.

But what needed to happen is for me to develop myself like I would have if I had been more in touch with myself over the years. So it was a long period of introspection and getting to know myself and in some ways it was like I did know but it was a sketch and it just needed to be worked on and recognized until it was more of a fully colored picture. So it was more like becoming more of myself.

The ap really didn’t factor in to any of it quite in the way. Yes, there was a lot of plays made towards getting validation but it was almost like needing someone who didn’t know me to be an audience and clap if that makes sense

Thanks Hikingout...

Oh- who I was being for the Ap.

So, I would best describe it as a mixture of my professional self (the person was a colleague) and who I was at 18.

I was curious about all of it...who your were being for the AP, for yourself and who you eventually became.... and I had to read you last two posts a couple of times before I got what I think is a good handle on it. Please correct my understanding if it is not what you were trying to convey, but what I am getting is this...

Well actually I am glad you asked because the truth is all I did was invent a different inauthentic version of myself.

You don’t really get to meet that other version of yourself that you are inventing. It’s all escapism.

You were looking to become a version of yourself that was completely different from the one you had become. That version left you unhappy or in so much pain that you just wanted to be someone else. You lost yourself and was kind of trying on different versions to see what would make you feel better, or different.

The AP was just the "test subject" that was there to applaud the new validation seeking version. I guess this gives credence to something my W said in that "it could have been anybody". Anybody who validated this inauthentic version that was being presented.

I guess anyone who may have been really trying to get to know you might have been turned off by the image you were trying to portray as it wasn't "really" you, but an AP who had their own agenda, just cheered on whatever you portrayed to get their desired goal, correct? And then that validation made you play into that role a little more until both WS and AP are "method acting" a terrible script but pretending it is reality.

Yes I think that is as accurate as I could describe it.

It really could have been anyone. The ap in my case was 20 years older, probably looked 30 years older and was a serial cheater who really was kind of hot and cold all the time. It’s a wet strange situation because it sounds insane, but the constructs of an affair are sort of ridiculous.

I don’t know if you have ever see the movie the good girl with Jennifer Aniston. She has an affair with a young her guys she works with at the grocery store. It’s a bit of a dark comedy, but it’s only a slightly exaggerated depiction of what my affair felt like. Except of course the humor.

@Backfromthestorm

What are your expectations from your partner when you are trying to reconcile?

Ideally none at all. Expectationless, that's the way to be in relationship with anyone. You give without expecting.

And then check against yourself how you feel.

Does it feel Fair? If not, you adjust how much you give and alert to the other person so they can adjust. Ie "this is not working for me because I feel very tired after working all day. You were home all day texting your friends. I don't control you obviously but I would love to come home to folded washing. You can agree or not agree. Thanks for listening"

What do you fear and what sign make you feel that you are doing a good/ bad work?

I have taught myself to feel fear and try to understand it. So now I have fears which are mostly momentary and to do with wanting to control the outcome and make sure I don't end up alone and powerless . So bullshit fears really. But they are there. I treat them as valid and address them with the correct thought tools such as CBT.

What sign makes me feel I am doing good work? I get responses that are far more positive than in the past. My partner comes towards me. Initiates contact. Thanks me for my efforts in a genuine way.

Can someone talk to me about your Emotional (only) Affair?

How did it start?

Do you know your why?

Did you want it to go further? Why or why not?

What kept it from becoming physical?

How did it end? When it ended, did you experience the fog? (Was it easy or difficult to cut it off?)

Help me to understand the anatomy of an EA.

Please & thank you.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 2:23 AM, Tuesday, June 30th]

This question spun off from a heavy, eye-opening discussion I was reading on another site. It really got under my skin, and I’m hoping to get some honest, unfiltered insights from the WSs here.

This question is very specific and not applicable to all. I am only looking for answers from WSs who fit one of two scenarios:

You had a long-term affair but claimed you still loved your partner and never intended to leave them.

You had an affair, kept it a secret for a long time, and built an entire life (marriage, kids, mortgages) before it finally came out.

I’m trying to understand the exact psychology of surviving in that space for so long. If you fit this description, I want to talk about the fact that you essentially spent years ensuring you were never truly loved. Every bit of affection you received was directed at a fictional character—a false representation of you. The real you committed an act that might make your partner despise or leave you if they knew. It often does/

With that in mind, I have a few specific questions:

Even under the assumption that you'd never get caught, your partner would never find out...when you built a life, had kids, bought gifts, and went on trips after or during the affair, what did you actually get out of it? How did you find fulfillment in a relationship where your partner only loved the mask you wore, while the real you was entirely invisible?

Think about the heavy milestones—getting pregnant, celebrating anniversaries, or just sitting across from them at a nice dinner. Did you never look at them and think, "They wouldn't be holding my hand or saying 'I love you' if they knew who I actually am"? How did you enjoy those moments knowing their love was based entirely on a lie?

Why Forgo Real Love? Doesn't everyone want to be truly loved for all of who they are—the good, the bad, and the ugly? Why was a safe, fabricated reality preferable to confessing back then, facing the music, and either earning real forgiveness (and therefore actual love) or moving on so both of you could find someone to love the whole truth?

To me, doing this is ironically like cheating at a low-stakes family parlor game. I get why professional athletes cheat—there is millions of dollars and a career directly on the line. But suppose you cheat at a trivia game at home with your family. What do you actually get out of that? Everyone in the room is looking at you, thinking you’re the smartest person there, but you know you're a fraud. Where is the fulfillment in a victory you didn't earn?

Did you genuinely convince yourself that they would love you even if they knew? Or did you just master the art of pretending it never happened so you could comfort yourself with a counterfeit relationship?

This discussion really got to me because it feels like the ultimate tragedy. We often talk about how BS feel like their entire relationship was a lie. I very much had that feeling when I went through my scenario. But I hadn't considered the other side of the isle. By hiding the truth, you guaranteed that you haven’t experienced genuine, authentic love since the moment you cheated until the moment you confessed / were caught I just need to understand what you get out of that.

Are long-term secret-keepers just the type of people who would willingly take the Blue Pill? Were you content to stay in a comfortable, fake bubble knowing it was all a matrix of your own making? I just don't get how anyone could be happy with that. I thought it was so basically human to want someone to love you. The whole you. The actual you. Living like that seems so alien.

I know these are incredibly direct questions, but I want to understand the mindset. How do you live for years with someone who would be disgusted by the real you?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:39 AM, Tuesday, June 30th]

This is primarily for WP who were having an exit affair, but any WP is welcome to chime in!

Let me preface this by saying I am not taking the blame for my WP in the actions he ultimately chose.

Things had been very terrible for quite awhile, mostly at my doing prior to A. I have (am working on) a lot of unresolved trauma and wasn't equipped to deal with the pain I was causing my WP. This caused him to feel like I didn't actually want to be in the relationship and I didn't love him at all, then of course the validation seeking due to loneliness etc created an "easy" environment for the A to happen. Once he was "in too deep" he felt like it was an exit affair and eventually he'd come clean and I'd seemingly have no issue just letting him go bc he thought I didn't love him anyhow.

He wasn't prepared for the devastation and hurt he caused me due to the A.

All that said, presuming you chose to stay with BP, why did you stay if you were having an exit affair? I'm really struggling with feeling chosen/not second choice once WP realized a relationship with AP wouldn't actually work in the real world. In the beginning when I found out about the A my WP made it very clear the AP had many qualities which he felt I did not and could not exhibit, that she just "got him" in ways I never had/could or they had a much stronger connection that we did etc. The things of that nature said in the very beginning still hurt a ton, thus my feelings of being settled for if that's how WP really feels/felt. I don't know how to distinguish if what was said in the thick of the affair was really a true feeling, or just the fog talking.

[This message edited by AnxiousAvoidant at 2:27 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

I just don't get how anyone could be happy with that. I thought it was so basically human to want someone to love you. The whole you. The actual you. Living like that seems so alien.

The thing that might surprise you is that most of us weren’t happy with it. We weren’t even present enough to register what was happening. The tragedy isn’t that we chose a counterfeit version of love over the real thing, it’s that we didn’t have the internal skills to recognize the difference.

I can only speak from my own experience, but what you’re describing, the mask, the split, the long‑term secrecy, wasn’t fulfillment. It was survival. Not healthy survival, not conscious survival, but the kind that comes from having no internal skills and no emotional regulation.

How did you find fulfillment in a relationship where your partner only loved the mask?

The honest answer is, I didn’t. You can’t. What you get instead is a kind of numb stability that feels safer than facing the truth. It’s not joy. It’s not connection. It’s not real love. But you tell yourself its better than authenticity, because that means being vulnerable, and for someone like me, that was scarier than anything else.

And its all made possible with

✨️compartmentalization✨️

You don't even think about it.

And because you never let yourself be seen, you never feel loved. Not once. Not for a single moment. Every "I love you," every anniversary, every milestone, it lands on the mask, not on you. You don’t feel cherished, you feel hidden. You don’t feel chosen, you feel protected by the lie.

You live next to them. You perform beside them. You orbit around them. But you never actually let yourself be seen.

The psychology isn’t alien. It’s primitive. It’s someone who thinks love is something you preserve by controlling information, not something you build by being known.

Flatlined,

Can someone talk to me about your Emotional (only) Affair?

Well, mine started as an EA and then we started sexting and planning on meeting up again. But the only physical contact we had was one time when he pulled a plastic tag off my belt (relatively normal for our profession; we're always monitoring and fixing each other's uniforms) and a hug goodbye. I would say my A was somewhere between an EA and a PA, but it was never really about the idea of sex with him... If that's close enough, here are my answers to your questions. If not, feel free to skip over this, of course.

How did it start?

Just with talking. We were away in the desert for two weeks for our job, and it was hellish. There was only one building with air conditioning, wifi, and hot food after the dining hall closed. After our shift, I had been going there to sit by myself and read, because I'm introverted and needed some "alone" time after a day of interacting with my coworkers. He started seeking me out and plopping himself down at my table, and striking up conversation with me. And he was a great conversationalist-- able to talk about nothing and everything-- and that was something I was really missing at home, as someone with a quiet spouse and no one else to talk to during the day but a 5-then-4-year-old. So we talked, and we got to know one another through first dates kind of questions. He started seeking me out in the couple hours before our shift as well, and we talked then, too. I had progressively growing alarm and guilt as I realized I was catching feelings for him, but I was swept up in the excitement (and I would say, "relief") of the connection. I rationalized it away, telling myself he probably didn't feel the same way and I was just flattering myself with a delusion, that we were just friends and it was perfectly okay for me to have friends, wasn't it, that even if I did like him more than I should, that I wouldn't take the "relationship" home with me... all the way up to the point where we said goodbye and a voice (well, several voices ) in my head were screaming "Don't give him your number!!!" and then I gave it to him anyway, with some bullshit excuse about asking him to take care of my underlings while I was away. That was the point where the line was crossed, I think, and it was all downhill from there. We started getting more affectionate and eventually started sexting, when I felt undesirable and lonely at home, and then we made plans to see one another again (he lives halfway across the country, and whether or not he was actually going to follow through was questionable, but nonetheless) when my BH looked through my deleted text messages and found out about everything...

If you would like to understand more about how EAs develop, I recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Great read, not too long.

Do you know your why?

Yes, but it took me a while to figure out. I had (have?) codependency issues, low self-esteem, and was struggling to give myself the things I wanted from my H. I convinced myself that our marriage was dead because he didn't give them to me when I tried to ask for them. I didn't understand that he had his own issues going on and that my expectations were unreasonable to pin on one person. I was desperate for social interaction/connection, to feel interesting for who I am, to be "loved" (however fake) and feel desirable, and for validation. My life was full of responsibilities which I was constantly stressed out about "failing" to successfully keep up, and my hobbies, interests, that which brings me joy, and self-care were being crowded out in favor of pleasing others and managing their needs/feelings. So the A was an unhealthy means of escapism, validation, snd getting those needs met.

Did you want it to go further? Why or why not?

Yes. Like I said, it wasn't really about the possible sex with the AP that I wanted, but I enjoyed how excited he seemed about sex with me, and that made me feel desirable again.

What kept it from becoming physical?

Guilt, professional conduct standards, and then DDay.

How did it end? When it ended, did you experience the fog? (Was it easy or difficult to cut it off?)

BH found out, and I didn't have any doubt about who I wanted to be with because I knew the whole time that I wanted what I was getting from the AP to come from my H. I was actually genuinely confused when he asked me "What do you want to do?" because I was like, is it not obvious that you're my choice, and isn't it now up to you about whether we stay together..? (Of course it wasn't obvious. Duh) Within a couple hours of the confrontation conversation, I texted AP to let him know BH knew and that we couldn't talk anymore. A few days later, AP messaged me again, and I showed BH and asked him if I could tell AP off. I got the go-ahead and did so... So I don't think there was much fog for me, though I was sad for about a week or two as I got over the "relationship" and withdrew from the validation.

There were occasional twinges of grief for it in the months that followed, but as I explored my whys and learned about the anatomy of an A, I was able to tell myself that the relationship wasn't real, that I liked what AP was giving me, not who he actually was, and that we were mutually using each other. That helped to dispel those feelings. I had a lot of urges to seek "closure" regarding some lies I suspected AP told me, which I discussed with BH, but ultimately decided against further communication. He messaged me "hey" every so often, which felt really disrespectful after having communicated that I was choosing my marriage. It took a long while for me to block him, because I worried he would try blackmailing me at work, but I did eventually when I became more confident that he wouldn't. I'm glad I did.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:48 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

The thing that might surprise you is that most of us weren’t happy with it. We weren’t even present enough to register what was happening. The tragedy isn’t that we chose a counterfeit version of love over the real thing, it’s that we didn’t have the internal skills to recognize the difference.

Well, it's complex. I suppose it does surprise me, and it doesn't.

I understand that enjoyment can be had if the cheater has the ability to turn off their brain or compartmentalize, as you say. That being said, I can't ever bring myself to fully believe that wayward spouses weren't happy at moments—or they simply wouldn't do it. The extra validation, the ego strokes, and the physical intimacy must have felt good in the moment, right? All while the baseline love and support from your primary partner was still sitting safely at home.

I know I wouldn't be able to turn my brain off in such a way to derive enjoyment from living a lie, but I'd bet a lot of money that many can. I also think a lot of the reported regret and hollow "survival" is actually shame retrospectively injected into the past after seeing the horror on a spouse's face upon discovery. It is easy to reframe the past as a miserable mask once the house has burned down. I'm not claiming that is true of you in your specific case, but I certainly think it applies generally.

I can only speak from my own experience, but what you’re describing, the mask, the split, the long‑term secrecy, wasn’t fulfillment. It was survival. Not healthy survival, not conscious survival, but the kind that comes from having no internal skills and no emotional regulation.

Survival from what? What exactly was the threat?

You don't even think about it.

This was generally the answer I was anticipating, but it’s always deeply unsatisfying to hear. It is hard to wrap your head around that level of detachment.

I deeply appreciate your response and your willingness to be this transparent. Thank you.