SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am second guessing that by filing for divorce (27 yrs married and this was a total shock) I am giving my wayward husband just want he wants. I discovered he had a two year affair, is still with AP and has no remorse. Counselor and most advice to me was for me to put up my boundaries, go no contact. I’m have done that but now I’m thinking I am giving him exactly what he wants, his life free of responsibility (from house, kids ages 20 & 23) and he can be with AP whenever he wants. I am regretting giving him that satisfaction. I am also having suck a hard time that the other woman won, he picked her over me. That feels horrible. I was a good supportive loving wife and he screwed me over. I just don’t want him to have any happiness. I am 10 months out from the discovery and divorce is in process. We are living separately. This is just so hard to accept the injustice. I’m trying to focus on the future…struggling

But what is your alternative? I was M for 25 years, so I kinda get it.

But if he stayed M to you - would YOU be happy? No, you would not. You might have "won" but the prize would be a cheating husband who wanted to go off with the AP. If he stayed with you but was angry and still cheating and all that, both of you would lose.

the hard cold reality is if they want to be with the AP, then let them go. You cannot R with them, no matter how hard you try or how much you want it. His relationship with AP will be shallow, built on lies, and probably short-lived, but that’s his choice. His circus, his monkeys.

You, on the other hand, can HEAL. And build a new foundation and thrive. THRIVE. And I really believe that when you get more time and distance, you will see how unfulfilling and unbalanced and unhealthy your M was. And as you heal, you will find a new peace. And find yourself. The one you have contorted and twisted and buried for your M.

So let him win. It’s all booby prizes (pun intended) with no real substance. And meanwhile, you get to thrive with time.It sounds like he won, but what he wins is trash. But you will get something better- your self back.

it;s really hard - the hardest thing I have ever done. But I know that I did the right thing, and my life is GOOD.

Are you in IC? It really helped me. It helped me pull off the rose-colored glasses and see reality.

I wish you the best. You picked your name since lotuses grow from the mud, right? Good choice. You can get through this and thrive. Trust yourself.

How are you giving him what he wanted, exactly? Because if you were the one who kicked him and initiated the divorce, then that means his first choice was to remain married--keeping all his assets and his life/reputation intact-- while continuing his relationship with the OW.

The fact that you're divorcing him instead putting up with that bullshit is the exact opposite of giving him what he wants. You took control of the situation and valued your own self-preservation and dignity over the desires of an immoral scumbag.

Never, ever, ever feel bad when the trash you toss to the curb gets taken away. It's a much better then living under the same roof as stinking refuse.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:12 PM, Friday, April 3rd]

There is no justice for infidelity. It’s like someone sets the Mona Lisa on fire and the insurance adjuster says it was worth $300. The structures of our lives go up in flames for absolute bullshit reasons and there is no going back.

But you can build new structures. You can dream new dreams. Every ounce of energy invested in keeping him miserable is stolen from your new growth. Fuck him. Now he’s just somebody that you used to know.

If he wanted divorce he would have filed.
What he probably wants is control.
He wants some of the benefits of marriage – like maybe that he still has control on his pension, assets and all that – as well as the benefits of his AP. It’s like you are practical, she is fun. If the balloon bursts he knows he will still have Mrs. Practical.

Divorcing isn’t about revenge. It’s about saying "thanks, but you are no longer the life-partner I envisioned and I’m firing you from that role".

It might help to reframe his "win" as a trap, not a victory. He'll move on not because he's healed or remorseful but because he's probably built a life around avoiding the hard questions (which likely enabled him to have an A in the first place). And that denial ultimately imprisons him.

His life may look rosy - still with the AP, free of responsibility - but that's not the reality. His "happiness" is superficial because he hasn't done the work, and it comes at the cost of true connection to others and deep self-awareness. You're choosing the harder but richer path - to face the mess and to start anew in building something real.

I struggled with the injustice of my situation and felt just like you: he got what he wanted, he got off scot-free. But that sense of injustice has faded for me, and I've been able to let go of the anger and the desire to prove anything to him. Letting go of that has freed me to pour my energy into my new life and into the relationships that matter - my kids, my relatives, my friends - and you'll get there, too.

10 months out from discovery is still early days, Lotus, and you're going to have a lot of strong emotions as you process all this major changes in life. Letting go of the resentment is a practice, and it takes a while to really accept the truths that the others have already said in their posts.

Rage rooms (or smashing stuff somewhere safely in your house) is a good way to release the pent up anger and grief. Vigorous exercise is good too, if you can tolerate it. My therapist suggested writing down all my angry thoughts and then tearing it up - I preferred lighting it on fire. Maybe you can write down all the terrible things you hope will happen to your ex and AP? Or go scream it from an empty hilltop?

Betrayal and divorce hurt, especially after 27 years (28 years for me, so I get it). Be kind to yourself. Be honest with your adult kids, and keep reminding yourself that he isn't the prize in this situation - you are, and he lost!

You are giving yourself what you want.

A life free from living with a lying cheating jerk.

Did you make it easy for him? Absolutely.

But here’s what you don’t know. And maybe never will. He has to live with himself. He can bury his head in the sand and tell himself whatever lies he wants.

But there is always going to be something he’s running from. And that’s not a life I wish on anyone.

So he’s with the OW now. Let’s look at that life. Success rate for that relationship is very low. Most likely when things get rough one of them will cheat on the other. Their relationship started as a lie and based on a false sense of reality. It’s no wonder there is a low chance of success.

Stop believing everything you see as you don’t know his life behind closed doors. And it may not be what it looks like.

That’s why I call it FakeBook - it’s what people want you to see or believe. It may not be reality.

And BTW the OW is getting your leftovers. He’s a booby prize or consolation prize IMO.

But here’s what you don’t know. And maybe never will. He has to live with himself. He can bury his head in the sand and tell himself whatever lies he wants.

This.

You can escape from a liar, they can’t escape from themselves.
Retribution always happens one way or another.

Let the trash collector have a second hand liar.
When someone is unable to see how badly they are being, is just not worthy as a person to even pay attention to.

Air will smell fresher