SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I experience 2 set of emotions after getting chumped.
One is sadness, pain & RAGE.
The other, profound relief.

I'm 27 & while the experience of seeing your whole worldview getting destroyed in a matter of hours/days is not great & the pain & devastation eats me, the feeling of waking up, the realisation that I was living in an illusion that was shattered & seeing things "as they are" & not concocting romantic ideas about the world is profoundly liberating.

I have learnt that:

1) I am all alone in this world.

2) People are SELFISH (INCLUDING ME) & are with you to fullfill "their" needs & desires & not because YOU hold some intrinsic value.

3) All of us are a mash of compulsions that push & pull us in a million different directions like "addictions" & we are unconscious about it.
So the veneer of intelligence & sense that anybody displays is just that, a veneer. Scratch it & you'll find the truth, that people have no control over their thoughts & emotions (forget the deeper things).

You can't explain for example why you like tomato & dislike potato, the same things liked & disliked by million other people in the same or the reverse way (or people liking or disliking both) & you expect me to believe you that you know why you like or dislike me, a human being, the most sophisticated & complex species on earth, the pinnacle of evolution on the planet. Right🙄

4) My physical,mental, emotional, financial & spirituality needs & desires are MY RESPONSIBILITY.
The moment I depend on "anything" or "anyone", I forsake my freedom & become a slave of that key which unlocks the experience within me.

5) The seat of human experience is within. I feel joy or sadness, agony or ecstasy within myself. The external stimuli are just a suggestion, ultimately only I can decide what I will feel in a given situation.

6) Whether people are saying good things & professing their undying love for me or are cursing my existence is THIER VIEWPOINT. As they're unconscious & compulsive, whatever they say (good or bad) reflects what they are feeling & is in no way a commentary on me. I may have induced the feeling but ultimately it is their experience.

So, one must not give a shit about praise or ridicule as the person heaping it on you is unaware.

7) LOVE & COMMITMENT ARE FICKLE.

The person who claims to love you & has declared their allegiance to you can flip in a moment when tempted.

However good or strong your relationship is, it will not stop the other person from taking steps to satisfy his/her lust (for anything or anyone) & destroy the very foundations of your relationship.

It is of no intrinsic value or in other words, it is NOT a bulwark against temptation.

People will do what they want to do, always.

8) Understanding these things intellectually & fully incorporating them in your lived experience are two different things.
The pain that you've experienced is a barrier that prevents you from accepting the truth.
It will take time to sink in & that's okay.
It is a marathon but you are on the right track.

So, yeah, in pain but greatful.

I don’t disagree with anything you wrote (been there, done that), but I nonetheless hope you can get past some of the cynicism and find some joy.

Oh I am happy, don't get me wrong.

I am not cynical as in I don't think the world is "against me" or something, it's just that I understand the reason behind anyone's actions more.

If someone is saying good things about you or is cursing you, it doesn't mean that you are good or bad.

They will think & feel & thus act according to the compulsions that drive them at the given moment.

Not expecting anything or not giving a shit about what they think & feel is liberating.

People who say & demonstrate that they are on your side for years & decades will not think for a moment to set fire to everything that they themselves hold precious when temptation strikes them.

Their love didn't mean anything & now their indifference or antagonism doesn't mean anything also. Both were the result of whatever compulsions ruled them at that point.

Acknowledging the fact that you are all alone in this world & are responsible for your own happiness & peace is empowering.

I am just fortunate that I learnt this before investing my whole life, believing a lie.

So yeah, this doesn't mean I become an asshole, this means taking charge of my life & destiny.

The pain is there, the feeling of being unsafe is there, the rage is there, but relief also exists, gratitude also exists. In time, the positive will overshadow the negative.

Carl Jung and Wayne Dyre would be proud of your findings, they both helped me understand pretty much where you are coming from. I recommend that anyone suffering long term pain from a betrayal from long ago should listen to their thoughts on letting go of your past. Have a great day everyone!

When people say they love you, what they're saying is:

1) I love the way you make me feel.

2) I love the qualities that you embody.

3) I love who I am when I am with you.

4) I love the lifestyle that you provide.

5) I love the future that we are going to build.

Nothing here is about YOU.
You are a key, a gateway for them to experience what they want.

Just like you love your trusty car & strive to keep it in top condition by spending money on it, driving it correctly & appreciating the benefits that the possession of it gives you, you love other people for the experience they unlock within you.

IT'S NEVER ABOUT THEM & ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

Beyond grateful to have realised this. Now the pain & devastation can be replaced by clarity & peace.
It's a marathon but I will get there.

But yes, Never again will I delude myself into thinking "I MATTER" & not what I'm providing (either physical,mental, emotional financial or social benefits) the other person.

Never again will I debase myself by relying on anything or anyone else for my wellbeing.

Never again will I believe in the illusion that somebody values me & is mine.

Never again will I give importance to idiotic things like LOVE & COMMITMENT.🙄

NEVER AGAIN.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're hurting. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. Please check some of the other forums, as there may be posts pinned to the top that you find helpful. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are various threads that are for specific scenarios.

Is there anything that we can help you with to help you get out of infidelity? Having some more information helps us to know how we can help you.

Thank you for caring.

But, no, I don't need anything to get over infidelity.

The anger & hurt are there in me & will go away slowly as emotions are like that. 😒

Just wanted to be in a community which understands what I'm going through & is willing to suffer my word vomits. 😅

I was not married & never intimate (we were together for 9 years) as we were saving ourselves for marriage 🙄.

My virgin ass is hurt by the revelation that her profound conviction of sex being special lasted just 3 months after meeting the POS.

I'm hurt that she LIED to me & was never going to tell me or leave me for him but was quite happy to be emotionally & physically invested in their relationship until she came back from her year long stint overseas.

I don't care about what she was thinking or her *WHYs"

I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in my life.

Never Again.

Thank you for your concern.🙏

Gently, you have been egregiously abused. Your anger and loss of respect for your ex is palpable. You really need to pull back and reflect. If you live like you project you will end up as a hermit. There is so much more out there and your ex is not the same as all other women.

I assumed she is an ex. Please say you are not going to marry her used ass.

I will Not marry anyone, especially not her.
Maintaining NC from the moment I got out of the cafe (couldn't do the confrontation in a private setting)

Yes there is pain & anger, but I'm not living like a hermit.

I truly have lived MORE in the past 6 months or so than any other time in my life.

The 1st couple of months were paralyzing, I couldn't sleep (which is an indicator of the trauma as I never lost sleep over anything, thankfully it is back to normal), couldn't eat, was feeling feverish all the time.

But now, now I LIVE.

I've made my passion my profession.
I've travelled in a way I LIKE.
Financially I'm steady.

Yoga was a lifesaver.
Truly experiencing the profoundness of my culture has opened new dimensions for me.

Clarity is coming.
Yes, there is pain but it is not going to break me or make me a "hermit".

I AM ALIVE.