Struggling with BP coping mechanism

I’m looking for honest perspectives.

My husband and I are several years into reconciliation after my affair. We’ve tried a lot of things in hopes of helping him heal. One of those has been entering a consensually non-monogamous relationship. To be clear, this hasn’t been about casually sleeping with lots of people. We’ve only met a few couples but every time before we meet a couple I get very depressed and shut down and can’t stop crying.

The difficult part is that this wasn’t really my idea. My husband told me that if we didn’t do this together, he would pursue relationships with other people on his own. I chose to participate because I love him, I wanted to stay together, and he genuinely believes this helps quiet the intrusive thoughts from my betrayal.

The thing is…I have reservations. He knows I do. I’ve been honest that I’m uncomfortable at times and that I don’t know if this is something I truly want for myself. I’m participating, but I can’t honestly say it’s something I would have chosen independently.

After being resistant to therapy for a long time, my husband has recently started individual therapy, and I’m planning to begin therapy myself soon. We’re both still trying to find healthy ways to move forward, which is part of why I’m asking this question.

I’m not looking for people to attack my husband. I know my affair caused an incredible amount of pain, and I understand that he’s been trying to find ways to cope and heal.

What I’m genuinely trying to understand is this: Is it common or fair during reconciliation for a betrayed spouse to say, in essence, "If we don’t do this together, I’ll do it on my own"? Have any of you experienced something similar? Did it help your reconciliation, or did it complicate things?

I’m really looking for thoughtful experiences. I feel conflicted because I understand why he’s hurting, but I’m also trying to figure out where the line is between making sacrifices for reconciliation and agreeing to something despite significant personal reservations.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, June 30th, 2026

How far to prove remorse?

Hi everyone,
I’ve been lurking here for a while and finally mustered the courage to post. I’m the WS in our story—I had an affair in 2018 (EA and PA) then again for 4 months in 2021 (EA) . In July of 2023 I decided to confess to my husband. It shattered everything. We’ve been in recovery mode ever since: transparency with phones/passwords etc and trying to rebuild trust brick by brick. To that end, I quit my job right after D-day and haven’t gone back to work. But full disclosure: I trickle-truthed for way too long after D-day, which dragged out the pain and made everything so much harder for him. Honestly we have good days but still have more bad than good. He says he is broken and I understand. I love him with all my heart and he says he loves me and we both want our marriage to work. He’s seeing a therapist, but honestly, it’s not super helpful—just mostly for prescribing meds to manage the anxiety and depression from all this.
To add another layer, he’s been on dating sites pretty much from the start. He hasn’t acted on anything or met up with anyone, but it still stings knowing they’re there, like a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.
But lately, he’s been talking about (soft) swinging. Like, as a way to "heal" his wounds. He says it would help him feel desired again, erase some of the pain from what I did, and help him heal. I get the logic on paper—I’ve hurt him so deeply that maybe sharing that space could balance things out? But honestly, it terrifies me. I’m not attracted to the idea at all; it feels like trading one kind of betrayal for another, and I’m scared it’ll just reopen old scars for both of us. Still, because I love him and want to make this right, I’ve agreed to at least explore it—even though he knows I’m not really comfortable with it.
Just wondering, How far do you have to go to prove you’re sorry? What’s the line between healthy compromise and just enabling more pain? Has anyone else dealt with something like this in recovery? Did swinging (or any form of ethical non-monogamy) actually help rebuild trust, or did it backfire? How did you navigate saying "yes" when your gut screamed "no," just to show remorse? Or did you set a boundary and hold it anyway—especially after trickle-truthing, quitting your job to stay "visible," and all the other mess-ups? We tried this once before and when it came time to meet someone I backed out. Told him I just couldn’t. He can’t understand why I was able to cheat on him but don’t want to do this. He said he was going to do something with or without me and was talking to other women on dating sites but said he would rather do something with me. Recently he seems to have gotten worse, not better and I’m at a loss as to how to help him. I guess I’m desperate. He recently reached out to an old girlfriend as well. Just to talk he said. She didn’t respond.
Sorry if this is all over the place—my head’s spinning. Any stories, advice, or gentle reality checks would mean the world right now.
Thanks for reading

14 comments posted: Tuesday, September 30th, 2025