Serial cheater and new here.

Hello everyone, I am posting here because I am a serial cheater. I’ve made deliberate choices that have immensely hurt my wife and undermined my marriage. Ive attempted to cheat or have cheated at 3 points in our 19 year relationship.

The first was when we were engaged and I was trying to sign up for a dating site to find someone to send my pictures to, she caught me and I notched it up to physical insecurities and a deep need for validation. We talked about it, discussed it. I really thought it was an isolated hurtful choice after discussing it. This should have been a red flag for what was to come.

The second was after we were married and shortly after the birth of our oldest daughter. I went on an affairs website and found someone to email pictures to back and forth with. I would email pictures of myself with my pants down/underwear pulled down and she would email topless pictures. It was a downright disgusting display for a new father. She caught me. This time she kicked me out for a few days, we talked and discussed things, I went to counselling. I really thought I had dealt with it. We returned to normal life shortly after.

The third time was last year and 12 years after the second time. I would go on a sex chat room to find woman to watch me masterbate on webcam. This lasted 6 months. In that time I had tried to contact many women in the chat room. In the end I had phone sex with one woman where she heard me orgasm and I had gone on webcam for a particular woman (i think it was a woman) numerous times where she would watch me orgasm. It was degrading on multiple levels - and that’s what I was looking for. I wanted to be degraded. She caught me, this was last September.

I wish it could say this was all I put her through, but for our entire relationship until last September I withheld intimacy. I could never be present during sex. Infact I suppressed all my emotions. To the point where people didnt expect much reactions or emotions from me. I very rarely got excited, didn’t show negative emotions very often. I was often characterized as l flat lined. I also withheld the fact that I was sexually abused as a child for years from her - even after I did tell her, I never talked about it. I repressed it to the point where I couldn’t recall large parts of it. After the second time I did goto therapy but it only scratched the surface. There was so much more trauma that was buried underneath.
Leading up to the third time I started having darker urges to that revolved around degradation and gay porn. This coincided with abuse I faced as a child, which was very degrading. After this last time I went into intense trauma therapy where I confronted this past. I often had nightmares and flashbacks of the abuse during the initial therapy. Only now can I truly express complete intimacy with her. After I’ve shattered her world :(

Now my poor wife is struggling and it’s heartbreaking.. this man she perceived as her husband is not here anymore. He was replaced by this person who was all too willing to hurt her to get what he wanted. . I see her look at me like she doesn’t recognize me at times. And I don’t blame her. I had so many opportunities to make the right choice and chose wrong. It makes me incredibly sad and angry with myself to think I stained our amazing connection. Aside from the intimacy aspect, we were soulmates. We spent an incredible amount of time together and never got tired of one another. We were truly best friends :l😢and I let her go. I might as well have left the relationship without her even knowing. It is truly the worst thing I’ve ever done and it’s to the person I cared about the most☹️ As hard as this is I really can’t imagine what she is going through.

Since last September she has said we are still together but only married on paper, has taken off her wedding ring, and has said that she regrets staying with me - and who can blame her. We made this amazing life with 2 wonderful daughters and finally got into our forever home and now she is broken and struggling. I figuratively spat on everything.

I’ll post again with more details about my recovery plan. I just wanted to finally post here and tell my story.

0 comment posted: Monday, June 9th, 2025