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Hi all. So I’m approximately 10 weeks since DD. My husband has been the perfect man since all this came out. His been open and honest answered all questions. He is receiving IC. We are also in CC every week.

My husband has taken accountability for his actions and poor decision making and appears to be regretful.

He has given me passwords for his phone his location and communicates what his doing ect.

At first this all felt good. However I’m now having second thoughts. I don’t know what I want, some days I just want to walk away as I feel he took the Pi** and lied so hard, almost sent me crazy but I was right about everything all along.

My husband despite him cheating for a year- was always present and done what he needed to do , he didn’t treat me bad while he was having his affair. (Except Lie) when I got a hunch about something.

I’ve also got a small baby (8months) and have been suffering with post partum depression since she has been born. I’m wondering if this is clouding my decision making.

I love my husband but am disappointed and just feel our relationship will never be the same again. Some days I want it will to work and other I’m like my husband is having his cake and eat it- his cheated for a year got her pregnant and I’ve taken him back. I feel like a fool.

I need support and advice please. Xx

A relationship can never be the same after an affair. It will always be different. It can be better in some ways if the WS puts in the work but you will probably forever look at him differently

Did he have a child with this other woman? You made a comment that he got her pregnant

Hi @WB1340

No she didn’t keep the baby, she fell pregnant 8 weeks after I found out and he told her his wife was pregnant too so she made decision to abort.

This woman knew he had a wife all along and didn’t care. They went away together and I only found out as I put a tracker on our car , then caught him leaving her house. She admitted to me she would have never been honest with me if I never came to her house. She told me most things. He wasn’t man enough said he knew it would hurt me to much- which I’ll never understand.

A lot has happened and I feel rather foolish for taking him back. However he makes my life easier and is a brilliant father. Part of me feels like I’m using him as I’m finding things so hard with the postpartum depression. I feel if I was in a better head space I’d tell him to leave.

I just feel so conflicted. I love him some days and others he makes me feel sick.

We call it the roller coaster. You will change your mind three times in 10 minutes. This is normal. 10 weeks is very early days. It may take years before you fully feel reconciled. And until then, there will be times you are all in, and times you consider walking away. NORMAL.

What are you doing for you? ARe you in IC? Who do you have IRL to talk to?

Hi Jojo121,

I'm sorry you are here with us. My story is similar to yours except I'm the betrayed husband who had another man impregnate his wife. She also aborted the baby.

I’ve also got a small baby (8months) and have been suffering with post partum depression since she has been born. I’m wondering if this is clouding my decision making.

I'm sure hormones and depression are not making this easier, but I doubt they are causing this duality you are feeling. I also felt very conflicted day to day, and even now two years later still feel conflicted. It's very common for the betrayed spouse's emotions to fluctuate wildly.

For many people, me included, the emotions that were present before D-day don't just evaporate. They remain, and this is why it's so difficult. If they just evaporated, it would be so easy to leave, but they don't.

I love my husband but am disappointed and just feel our relationship will never be the same again.

I still love my wife. I loved her on D-day even though my pain. The days since have worn away the parts of me that had blind trust, and blind love. Probably good to be more realistic, but also it's sad. In reality love is not all thats required. Changing their core character from cheater to good partner is necessary, otherwise who's to say this is not going to happen again years down the road?

My husband has taken accountability for his actions and poor decision making and appears to be regretful.

What form does the accountability take for you? From the start my wife has used the words "I take full accountability" and it's clear that she does not really take full accountability. I think you should define what this looks like to you.

She also seemed regretful, but regret might mean many things. Maybe he regrets not being able to see the affair partner any longer? My wife was mourning the loss of her relationship with her affair partner for at least 8 months after D-day. She was also sad for hurting me.

My husband despite him cheating for a year- was always present and done what he needed to do , he didn’t treat me bad while he was having his affair. (Except Lie) when I got a hunch about something.

My wife was also present, and made sure to continue life as normal during her affair. I saw small signs, but nothing at all to indicate she was having a full blown parallel relationship. Not much changed for her during her affair so it makes it hard for me to trust that the way she is now means things have changed for the better.

I love my husband but am disappointed and just feel our relationship will never be the same again. Some days I want it will to work and other I’m like my husband is having his cake and eat it- his cheated for a year got her pregnant and I’ve taken him back. I feel like a fool.

I understand these feelings so much. I think most people here do. In my case I kept my mouth shut, and didn't out her affair to our families. So essentially she got to have her affair, and the stable home life, and I protected it for her.

It feels really unfair, and I have felt like an idiot many times.

Often feeling like a fool is a feeling that results from many many thoughts working in parallel. What helps me is tons of journaling, and when doing that trying to break these feelings, and the thoughts causing them, apart and look at each one individually. For example:

Was I dumb for trusting her? No. People should be able to trust their spouses.
Should I have noticed her affair sooner? No. She worked hard to hide it from me.
Am I dumb for staying? No. It's not dumb to want to preserve the family I worked so hard for all these years.
Is she irredeemable? No. I have no way to know this. Some people are willing to change, others are not.

Etc.

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It's still really early for you. I recommend waiting and watching to see what he does. There is no emergency, and no reason to decide which side of the fence you fall on right now. It's going to take time for your nervous system to stabilize.

I would not tolerate continued cheating, but if he is doing the things you think need to be done, there is no reason you can't wait until you feel more strongly one way or another.

Being betrayed is traumatic for most of us, and trauma brings shock. I didn't start to come out of shock for most of 3 months, and it took several months for me to get out of shock as completely as one can. IOW, even without PPD and an infant, you're not anywhere near your best at this point.

It's entirely normal to go back and forth and back and forth and ... you get it ... between D, R, gathering more info, wanting to break several laws to punish your WS and/or ow.

My reco is to free yourself from expectations towards your H. (You have to take care of your daughter or see that she's taken care of.) The decisions you make about your WH and your M are important but generally not urgent, so give yourself time. Look inside to find out what you want, and ignore what you think society, or your parents, or your friends, or your H want - you are free to choose. IOW, I'm recommending that you let yourself figure out what you want.

You took your H back. It's fine to dump him, if that's what you want, or if he's only pretending now and not really remorseful.

It's fine to keep him if that's what you want, and if he continues to work to rebuild himself and your relationship.

Once you know what you want, you can figure out how feasible that is. But knowing what you want is crucial, feasible or not.

Have faith in yourself to figure yourself out. Right now your mind is taking you on unimagined trips. You WILL settle down, but that probably won't happen as fast as you'd like. Some day in the not too distant future, you'll know what you want and what you'll need to do to get it.

*****

A relationship can never be the same after infidelity. Or after a child. Or after ... really, a relationship can change without notice at any time.

If you decide you want to rebuild your M, my reco is to make sure you and your WS consciously decide what your M will be. Make sure you are a good fit for each other.

Can I pick up the part you buried near the end - the PPD question - because I think you've got it backwards in a way that matters.

You're asking whether the depression is clouding your judgment. But PPD at 8 months isn't fog over your decision. It's the weather the decision lives in. Decisions made inside untreated depression aren't necessarily wrong ones, but the urgency to make them permanent RIGHT NOW is worth distrusting no matter what the marriage does. So a gentler version of your question: not "is my judgment clouded" but "am I being treated for the PPD at all, and if not, that's a separate track that deserves its own attention regardless of stay or leave." It's not a reason to stay. It's just that you deserve to make this call from the sturdiest version of yourself you can get to.

The other thing nobody has named: "he makes my life easier" with an 8-month-old in London is not a shameful reason. It's survival math. But it helps to be honest about what you're currently deciding. Right now the question isn't "is this marriage worth it forever" - it's "can I leave at this stage." Those are different questions and you're allowed to answer them separately: not leaving yet is not the same as deciding forever.

Ten weeks is nothing with a baby on your hip. You don't owe anyone a verdict this month.

10 weeks is still very early days, if you were feeling anything other than what you were explaining I would be concerned. No decision needs to be made now, as others have said you will change your mind multiple times a day at this stage. I would say triggers are still strong and so destabilising at this point, then add in a young baby and honestly you are super woman for even functioning! If he isn't harming you and isn't making things worse now then it is absolutely ok to stay as you are now and wait to see, you will feel a sense of urgency to make a decision, the right decision, but no right or wrong decision exists, only you can decide what you want moving forward and right now you don't have enough clarity to make that decision. Take each day one at a time, do what works for you, you must get to a point where you trust yourself again, once you get there, then you can start to look at the relationship and decide if you want it to continue, temporary separation or leave. And consider counselling for yourself, or a trusted friend to confide in, one that will listen and not force opinions, you need support x