SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone
I thought this board would be best suited to me, im new here. Been reading lots of things and pinned posts, very very helpful. We are trying to reconcile.

Short version - husband had an EA - short but bad enough. Discovered in July. A friend.

Initially I was that devastated and I said I was ending it.it was just how he hid it all and other reasons, and what hes done.

After a period of a few weeks, I couldn't bear the thought of losing him as we have been together 13 years and I love him so much. It just hurts so bad.

We have gone through a difficult last 18mths in our marriage but its no excuse to go elsewhere for attention. Hes still had plenty of that including sex from me.

we have started the process of rebuilding. He is very remorseful and he is really trying. He sent a message to her cutting her off completely which i saw.

I have high anxiety and its just affected me so badly, I cant stop thinking about what hes done, what was said between them(hes told me ) ,but also if hes told me everything etc

Strange things are triggering me, songs, thoughts, places. Im worried about seeing her in places we go as shes local.

How can I get the thoughts away what do you do as a coping mechanism when trying to reconcile? Any advice much appreciated. I feel unvalued, I've hated myself that hes done this. The other woman is totally oposite to me, very social, bubbly, whereas im shy and reserved. Hes told me its nothing ive done or anything about me it was just an ego boost which he regrets.

Any advice much appreciated ty

Friend
In some ways it’s like two parts of your soul are battling it out. There is the logical part and the emotional part. In my footer I quote a Stoic philosopher, and Stoics are known for how they use the logical part primarly in their life-decissions. Although I definitely agree in using logic, I also realize that the emotional aspect of our thoughts and decision making is what makes life so great. And bad and sad...

But if you can, then have your logical part tell yourself the following:
He did not cheat because of you. He did not cheat because there wasn’t enough sex, conversations, cuddling... whatever. He didn’t cheat because YOU were lacking – He cheated because HE was lacking.
That is the stone-cold truth: He cheated because of faults in him alone.

Whatever he says: I cheated because I didn’t think you loved me, weren’t showing me attention... WHATEVER... That’s like saying I decided to go on holiday because our house is on fire. It’s like finding a solution to a totally unrelated issue. If he had issues the correct way to deal with them was to talk to you.

Be very clear on that. Have your logical part convince your emotional part that this is of no fault of yours.

Then there is having your logical part accept that if he wants to he CAN see her. Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do to prevent that. The only thing you can decide is that if he chooses her above you... well... then your logical part tells the emotional part to move on.
What you should do is express this concern to him, and the two of you have a plan in place IF they do meet. That plan starts with the clear statement that IF he WANTS to meet her then he should be honest about it, and accept that by doing so he is letting you know that your relationship is over. It’s harsh, but it’s better to know now. I’ guessing that since he’s still there then that’s not what he wants.
So next is to decide what happens if they meet. Either accidentally or she tries to contact him. Normally couples working on reconciling decide that any attempted or accidental contact is shared. He let’s you know she called, sent an email or whatever. You let him know if she waved to you at the Mall. You two can’t prevent her from trying, but you can control how you react.

It's a long road ahead. I think that if you can accept the first and most important FACT that he cheated despite you, not because of you, then that will help you a lot.

People who are getting something they want from an illicit relationship will say/do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going. They’re acting in a play, and the script they’re reading from is as old as time.

And don’t compare. If it wasn’t her personality that was different, you’d be worrying about her height, or hair color, or boobs, or whatever.

It was the attention he was getting that was important to him, that’s all. And the simple fact is that most humans have a limitless appetite for attention.

He has to get that appetite under control. I’m not a big believer in therapy, but maybe it could help him.