SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What the thread title says. I'm on the betrayed side, roughly seven months in. I'm chiller. I recently had this gift of a moment when I was able to stop being surprised by triggers. I expect them now, not in a hypervigilant way, but in a way that means when one happens, I can more easily meet it as natural and understandable and not something that has to push me down into despair.

I've been practicing forgiveness when triggers happen. (I'm nowhere near actually having forgiven btw. I started with "exploring the willingness to forgive" and recently graduated all the way to "willing to consider forgiving." No step is too tiny, I'm finding.) This has been doing three things for me: pulling me into the present, centering my agency, and doing both of those things while directly addressing the wounding so my brain doesn't get a whiff of avoidance. My days are full of effort. But still, three months ago, writing the last two paragraphs would have been inconceivable to me.

Then I had my first good day. We did. Together. The best I've been able to hope for in seven-ish months has been a day that's not bad, but this day was really and truly good.

So naturally, I had a nightmare that night. The upshot was, my brain wants me to know I will never escape this albatross, and I'm lying to myself if I manage to not think about it and feel happy for even a few hours. She's fun.

Depression peeks its head around the corner after that, and I got a massive trigger the next day. Too big for being willing to consider forgiveness to derail. Since then, the betrayal is loud in here. I know there are setbacks. I know progress isn't linear. But I'm watching my brain light up all the neon signs it has to let me know that it isn't safe to walk this path I managed to get a single foot on.

If someone came to me with this, I'd tell them it makes sense. To slow down for a minute and let it wash through. But I feel so low.

I don't know what to ask. I don't feel smart or insightful or hopeful or curious. I'm an easily discouraged person. This whole thing has been a nightmare. I'm primed to dissect downsides and risk as a fundamental part of my personality. But even I know I need to find a way to move toward something good, not just away from something bad. I'm discouraged that a single day of me doing that successfully has been met with a days-long crash and my head being back on a swivel. I guess I feel like I'm just not brave enough for this. Or my disposition is too gloomy for me to figure out how to find any lightness.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm too tired to edit it down. Thank you for being an open forum here.

Unfortunately, at seven months in — you’re perfectly normal.

I think this was the point for me where depression kicked in pretty hard — emotional exhaustion is a thing.

Your brain is also still on alert.

Fight or flight mode kicks in with triggers and a nightmare is simply your brain keeping you ready for the worst case scenario. It isn’t paranoia if you’re already recovering from a worst case scenario.

I didn’t fully trust my wife’s changes for a couple of YEARS.

When we see the safety we need, then more substantial healing can happen.

Three steps forward and five steps back, especially in year one.

You have the right focus, trying to stay in the present. It takes lots of practice to focus on the positives while fighting depression.

I was very mindful prior to the A, and all of my mindfulness and meditation was useless for the longest time.

As my IC told me, infidelity is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a car.

It takes a LOT of time to heal.

Be kind to yourself!

Give yourself room and time.

I’m not certain forgiveness is needed to move forward, you mainly need to focus on what you want and need for now.

a bunch of really nice grounded stuff from Oldwounds

Sincere thanks. I'm tucking this in my pocket to read and re-read. It's tough to remember that it's supposed to be tough. Especially when it is.

Also, the forgiveness is for me. I learned a long time ago that there's such a thing as too much armor, and that I'm prone to putting that on, and that it burdens me. I frequently want more safety than is available in the world, and it's better when I recognize that. I'm trying to convince my hard edges (or the ones prone to despair, maybe) that there's room for them to soften. For me, not them. Just so they don't get too used to being hard. It's less about rushing to a solution and more about trying to keep myself out of developing harmful habits.

Again, very much appreciated.

SeekingWhatever, I’d love to hear more details about your approach to forgiveness. I’m only two months in, so still very raw. But I recently had a similar experience: a couple of (relatively) good days, followed by a retraumatizing nightmare that’s plunged me back into anxiety and despair for the last couple of days. It’s very discouraging. I could do with some self-forgiveness.

Your exactly where I think most are at 7 months in (almost 5 years here). Give it time and your approach of "baby steps" (What About Bob...great movie BTW if you need a smile) is perfect. Triggers will come and go but learning to manage them is a skill that none of us expected to learn but you will. Unfortunately, I'm not sure they ever fade completely. This NVIDIA clown has been the recent one out there. In year 1 it may have derailed me for a bit but now I just shake my head and express gratitude that my WW and I are making progress. The fight or flight stuff will definitely fade as well. I'm not nearly as fearful of going out to eat or being in public places as I was previously (The AP lives locally). Hobbies were big for me. I used the A to finally dig into some things that I've always wanted to do and just told my WW that I was doing them. I took up guitar at 55 years old, vinyl record collecting (teen hobby that was abandoned once kids came along), even bought a bonsai tree . I'd highly recommend a hobby that gives you some "me" time. It's important for your healing. Message from me is, I think you're right about where most of us were at that time who've attempted R so don't get discouraged. Hold your WS accountable but, provided she's doing all the right things, give them space to evolve into the person that they and you hopefully want them to be. You'll change as well and hopefully you both come out the otherside in a better spot from a relationship perspective. As I told my WW, we're on the path to forgiveness but I'll never forget what happened and it'd be unreasonable for anyone to expect that. Old Wounds comment about being hit by a car is one analogy I've heard and in the same vain by IC said it's equivalent if not actual PTSD. This type of trauma is real and so are the emotions you're feeling. Don't let yourself or anyone else for that matter try to minimize them, especially your WS (that's a major red flag if that starts to happen). Good luck, and the folks on here have been so supportive since Day1 for me so use this place, that's what it's for.

It’s very discouraging. I could do with some self-forgiveness.

Infidelity is a contest we didn’t know we were in.

All we ever did was act and love with the information we had in the moment.

All relationships struggle at times, and not everyone chooses to cheat.

As my IC told me, the only thing I did was love my family to the best of my ability.

Nothing wrong with that.

All that and I still had to forgive myself for missing what I thought were obvious signs (after the fact).

But again, none of us are SUPPOSED to be detectives around the one person on the planet who promised to have our back.

Be kind to you.

GuzmanLyrebird

SeekingWhatever, I’d love to hear more details about your approach to forgiveness. I’m only two months in, so still very raw. But I recently had a similar experience: a couple of (relatively) good days, followed by a retraumatizing nightmare that’s plunged me back into anxiety and despair for the last couple of days. It’s very discouraging. I could do with some self-forgiveness.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Forgiveness was nowhere on my radar two months in. Neither was having any good days, or even good hours. I was still soaked in adrenaline. So you might start with the knowledge that the agony you're in now is entirely normal and to be expected.

Oldwounds said some really good things to you already.

I'm also so very much in the middle of this, so my approach right now is a snapshot in time, but I'll give this a go.

Forgiveness is mostly about finding compassion. I stop judging the need, I listen to figure out why the need makes sense, and then I find a kind way to meet the need. Because you're so early in, you're going to have a lot of needs that will feel very urgent.

Grieving has been big. (You've got some more basic safety instincts to deal with rn, so YMMV.) Not just the grief that overtook me regularly, but also intentional grieving. I worked through the Tutus' Book of Forgiving (and I'm now working Enright's Forgiveness is a Choice, and I have found both valuable). There's a chapter in the BoF that invites me to list all the many things I lost when I was betrayed. Then to list the belief that I have as a result of that loss. Voicing what the loss means to me, essentially. If I lost a sense of specialness, I may find myself feeling that I'm worthless. If I lost innocence, I may feel resentful. If I lost faith, I may feel hopeless. Whatever the lost things are, list all of them. Take all the time it needs. This gave me a lot of information about what hurt the most at any given moment, and therefore what needed the most tenderness. I return to that list sometimes because different things feel stronger at different times. I find that just asking myself what loss I needed to grieve, then grieving it, makes me less judgmental or frustrated about needing that.

Forgiving other people works largely the same, where you see them as a full person who did something awful, instead of defining them by their action that devastated you. That takes longer. If you choose to undertake it at all. No one has to. But I find it hurts less in the long run to have a more zoomed-out view of both ourselves and others. That's what I meant when I said that working toward forgiving other the people was really for me. (His AP, for example, will never know if I forgive her. She may never feel she needs forgiving. It doesn't change whether or not I choose to pursue forgiving her for her part in hurting me. That's about me, not her.)

Hang in there. Wishing you luck.

[This message edited by SeekingWhatever at 5:51 PM, Friday, November 13th]

Bos491233

Don't let yourself or anyone else for that matter try to minimize them, especially your WS (that's a major red flag if that starts to happen). Good luck, and the folks on here have been so supportive since Day1 for me so use this place, that's what it's for.

Thank you. I'm glad you used the opportunity to make yourself happier in your own skin. (I'm a big hobby person, so big support there.)

Part of the difficulty in this moment, I think, is that he seems to have hit a little growth spurt. I'm genuinely happy for him. I'm frustrated to feel I need to freak out at a time he's finding the capacity to be more supportive. But I also know that will happen sometimes. We collapse when we feel like we can. If it's safer to let the guard down, we will. And sometimes gnarly feelings come on the heels of that.

Again, I appreciate you so much. From the inside of a setback, it feels like it shouldn't be happening. It's helpful to be told that I'm in the only place I can be right now. Progress is not linear, progress is not linear, progress...