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I am feeling physically unwell today so lots of resting and too much thinking also how what I wanted for 25 yrs was to be the mom and wife and take care of my family, with my little side job . It was a lot raising kids with a husband who travelled often. We had a comfortable lifestyle . Kids are now grown, just in their early 20s and this crazy midlife crisis/breakdown/bullshit my husband had ………has me again questioning what I really want. We are working on reconciliation, but as he has mentioned moving back home- I m hit with how easy this will be for him. Home is set, I handle most things, he still travels for business and I’m left home alone . I like my home and where I live, I love my dogs ❤️ I am just not liking the idea of the freedom he sort of has and the role I have always had such as preparing dinner, walking dogs etc. I do take care of myself , I have great friends, I exercise and like routine…..I just don’t want to fall back into old patterns and the responsibilities. Even sharing physical space feels weird- I like sleeping alone and having my own space 😂I suppose many experience this. I guess I’m rambling. ……just processing and trying to come up with " if and when it’s time for you to come home- here is how it’s gonna be" list. Would love to hear from others

I will add- he has done ALOT of work , therapy, 12 step, stopped drinking, full responsibility for the damage. Infidelity really does blow things up , doesn’t it……

It's hard work to keep from falling into old ways.

What works for me is that I've trained myself to monitor my feelings. When things get bad enough, I ask myself, 'What am I feeling? What am I willing to do about that?' But sometimes I'm really slow at remembering to ask the questions. OTHO, when I realize I'm unhappy in the relationship, I'm always willing to talk about the issue with my W.

On a practical level, adding another person makes housekeeping more difficult. Also, from my memories of being a road warrior, I didn't want to do much around the house on weekends at home.

Can you afford to outsource some of the chores?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:54 PM, Friday, July 25th]

If you are happier living alone 100% of the time, then do so.

You are not obligated to live with your H again.

You can date him or spend time together, but then he leaves. You have that option.

If he doesn’t want the same thing, then you decide what the future holds.

But if you are going to resent him I dare say it’s not worth trying to co-habit.

It's okay to put yourself first for a change. Being a home manager, Mom, and Wife with a traveling partner doesn't provide much room for self-care or personal development. You've been on your own for 6 months. Is that really enough time to explore, to grow into and fully embrace new possibilities? Have YOU "done a lot of work" on YOU? Or is there more to do? If you need more time to figure things out and to work on firming up boundaries it's okay to take it. **ETA: or as 1st wife suggested, you can live separately and date, or just be good friends. What's the rush to live together again? Is he sad sacking a bit about being on his own?**

Satya, I've been there - did the Cool Wife routine while catering to the needs of a traveling H for 28 years pre-infidelity. Playing Cool Wife to an entitled absentee partner was a sure way to build my own prison - a prison I do NOT want to inhabit ever again. So, totally understand why you're questioning the wisdom of reconciling -especially if reconciliation means reverting to the old relationship status quo. For me, post D-day all bets were off. He broke the marital compact so all unspoken arrangements that served his needs were null and void. I put myself first for a change. Cool Wife retired. He had to step up and reclaim equal responsibility for decision making and ALL day to day stuff or I was out of here. And he had to take responsibility for HIMSELF. I'm no longer his personal cheerleader, book keeper, medical coordinator, or go between for he and D and his FOO. Of course our M is a partnership where we nurture, support and help each other. But I am no longer enmeshed with H. I built some healthy boundaries around where I end and where he begins, if that makes sense.

Sure, of course he wants to come home. Bet his bachelor pad is not as comfortable and convenient as the home YOU created. Pets (that you walk, feed, take to the vet lol) and a wife to cuddle with! A fully stocked fridge with home cooked meals! A homey house and cozy bed with clean sheets to come back to after sterile hotel living! Suggest caution about letting your empathy override self=preservation. Besides working on his issues around porn, drinking, etc. has he worked hard to become a more self-sufficient functioning human? Has 6 months been long enough for him to demonstrate he is truly responsible for HIMSELF - let alone the porn/sex worker/drinking issues? For example = Is he doing his own bill paying - managing his own finances, insurance, retirement etc. or are YOU his primary book-keeper? Is he taking care of any longstanding medical issues? Shopping for food, making his own meals, doing his own laundry, cleaning his own apartment - or is that all outsourced? Does he have his own hobbies and interests, social life and support posse or are YOU his main social outlet? How's his relationship with family - are you the support propping up interactions with his FOO and the kids? All stuff to think about.......

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:29 PM, Friday, July 25th]

You can let him come back but explain the "new" marriage had "new" responsibilities.

He is in charge of himself. Laundry, meals, grocery shopping, autos and all the stuff he did while he lived alone is required if he lived with you.

It should be clear that this is how it will be going forward. If you CHOOSE to make his dinner that is a courtesy and should not be expected.

I completely changed my living dynamics. I no longer do 100% of everything. My H is on his own. And he has no complaints.

All good things to think about thank u all !!!!

I think I’m struggling with autonomy vs emeshment. My therapist asked if I felt that way before - I did not. I’m a bit hyper vigilant and get annoyed when he spends to much time in personal activities instead of activities with me or the family. I know it’s healthy for him but I get tired of not feeling like a priority

Yes , I think it’s too soon. Also BiG red flag - when he’s with work colleagues he has a glass of wine with dinner ( just one he says ) Mrs gives him headaches but he doesn’t want to tell them he isnt drinking ! This tells me he is still having a bit of a "secret side " Business trips I tend to get very activated because any drinking lowers inhibitions

This is so complicated. 😫